(this is where, my best guess based on yrs of experience, is immobility/numbness = uh oh clinical depression)
i FELT at ACL. i FELT at the Gypsy Picnic. 2 very Austin, outdoor, park music, food, etc., events. The kind of events i love. thank god i was able to feel something. i went to the Mumford & Sons concert at one of my fave venues ever, Stubb;s outdoors, and the show was brilliant, but i didn't FEEL it like i tend to FEEL shows. and if i feel anything about that, it is anger. i need to see them again, they are brilliant, but i wasn't fully there for this show i had been looking forward to for months (got presale, sold out in an hour, etc) and then they don't disappoint AT ALL, but I DO.
i've never been in a situation where there's been a job i hate that i stay at. so, grow up, suck it up, been lucky so far. can't be in my 20s anymore, quitting and running away to europe as i max out credit cards and then return to a good economy that gives me another job. except for 1 thing. this job sucks the life out of me. i have to be numb to endure it, and since i am ME, i just close up but somehow never opened up again. i kept saying i've come too far mentally and emotionally to let some idiotic job set me back. i worked too goddamn hard through huge piles of shit. to feel good about who i am. to claim who i am. to be a writer. to enjoy the continuous discovery of Me. but i'm losing. for whatever reason, for me this IS a battle. i'm trying to find my way around it, spending the major part of my day "shut down." but i'm not good at moderation, never have been. i have been very good in the past at shutting down. so good, in fact, that this time that i have had to shut down, i once again have done a bang up A+ job of it. i could tell i was losing. i felt my spirit dying. it's not even "Fuck You Batteries" anymore. it's nothing. and "nothing" is NOT "living."
oh and of course since the body does not lie, i have had major aches and pains, major toothache, had teeny tiny part of a filling or crown or something fall off, had a corneal abrasion out of nowhere, plus my eyes are red every single day, and i know i am very anemic at this point. so there. the body is doing the feeling for me. like hey, dumbass, over here, can you FEEL this?
the early weeks here were terrifying without a job and so chaotic emotionally but i FELT something. the worst feeling in the world for me is "stuck." the worst mental/emotional condition i can be in is "numb."
s
therefore, even though i didn't write it, i may as well have:
