This feels like a weird time...

I don't know where anyone is, but they're not here.

Really Shitty Dilemma

I move to Austin where there are a million and a half things to do every day. Right now there are film fests (plural) and music (of course) and Oktoberfests and downtown loft tours and there's always 1st Thursday and 1st Friday and happy hours and cool events at the Highball ilke the Zombie Prom i REALLY WANT TO GO TO. And so much more! Trailer park Eatery festival - almost forget. And still so much more!

But basically...

So much to do, no one to do it with.

Pisses me off.

Turn Up the Volume - Oct 19

"I know #loveislouder than Ignorance. Today we are turning up the volume for anyone who feels mistreated, misunderstood or alone. Join the movement http://tiny.cc/louder"

bliss is being seen

another brilliant jen lemen post. check out her blog!!!

bliss is being seen

I’ve decided that one of the most powerful things that can happen to you is being seen for who you really are and loved deeply at the same time. This requires actual eye contact sometimes, but also a more subtle way of knowing. Too much closeness or familiarity with the other and you can think you have it all locked up. Utter the words, I know you. I know how you are, (add a little flavor of disdain or boredom) and you’ve all but sealed your fate of misunderstanding.

No, to know is to say yes to the not knowing.
 

To know is to say I see you–these little glimpses here and there, and they are beautiful to me, even if they are the very things that make you fragile or flawed or ridiculous or frail. Even if the rest of you escapes me and I have no words to describe.

This year on my birthday I had the blessing of feeling seen. Presents are not the thing around here–no one cares that much about the formality of that on birthdays (thank god) and we’d all just rather be together–but this year was different. Everyone brought a little something from their heart, until I had a small collection of artifacts that represented the young and tender parts of me perfectly–all from a different faction of my tribe, most of whom were present for a fine feast of chili and cornbread.

It was one of the kindest birthdays I’ve ever had.

I wish my camera was back from Nikon. I would take a picture. But here’s the list:

A red tea kettle
warm wool knee socks like the kind we wore in third grade
a thoughtful journal
boxes and boxes of tea
bars and bars of fine dark chocolate
a beautiful rust colored silk scarf
a lovely forest green pull over
a soft yummy hoodie hand carried from Bolivia
a silk sleep sack from a fellow world traveler
a book of poetry
and last but not least, a pink ukelele (i know! i’m in love!)

What I love about this list is how ordinary it is. I mean really, how many 42 year old women in America would be thrilled beyond words to receive any one of the above items? We are a predictable demographic with our propensity for fine fibers, organic anything and lovely earth bound colors. Still, not all of these leanings are celebrated. Often, they are gently mocked, and so we sometimes are ashamed to love what we love and we feel slightly foolish for the degree to which such simple things delight us.

If only I could go back to third grade and stay there. Or maybe I already have. My list then would be identical to my list now, no exceptions. With each offering was the warmth of knowing that person really sees me and knows how much I care.

I hope today that you are able to quiet the part of you that feels ridiculous for loving what you love. And I hope just one time in your life, whether you are standing in a field in a faraway country or in your very own kitchen, you have the bliss of being seen and know deep deep down that you are welcomed, that you truly belong.

Comments today are for declarations and wishes. Share what you would like to be seen about you. It can be rant-like or plaintive. Just saying so will move the furniture around in the Universe, so it can someday soon be so.

best blog i've come across in a long time

http://jenlemen.com/blog/

When You Are Seen

when you are seen…

your heart cracks open
you can hardly speak
you are overwhelmed with gratitude
and also deep love

you can breathe more deeply
you know you are not alone
you understand nothing is wasted
you can embrace your goodness

you can have hope for the future
you can feel untended grief from the past
you know you were not crazy
you can trust your heart

from an email i wrote today

I like what you said to me before. This is my entry fee of sorts into Austin. I got soooo much of what I wanted. I did it. I am where I want to be. I had a weekend even better than I imagined it would be. I have people here who care about me. I have a dog who is amazing and has adjusted to Austin and our new home beautifully. A job I like -- asking too much? No, not at all. I just didn't receive it -- YET. And that's OK. Because I rather have all of the other things.

it isn't good...

when you don't like your days and you feel you have no one to talk to. because you spend all day not having a single conversation with anyone. and then, the people you might be able to talk to later, well, you are so tired of repeating the same shit. all talk and no action is very hard to listen to. i hate it, and i'm living it. still, it's a pretty fuckin' lonely way to spend the hours.

good wed, thurs and 1/2 of friday

my boss has no managerial skills. it's weird b/c he is not an idiot but i think he lacks people skills on some fundamental level. i know he is overwhelmed by the "kids" (my coworkers in their 20s). this is the way the kids communicate: they insult each other in funny not malicious ways but it's still pretty intense. the boss sometimes tries to tell them to not used certain words but no one takes it seriously. the other thing the kids do (they're mostly boys) is talk and play videogames. this is my daily work atmosphere. flying insults (at least they make me laugh) and video games. this shit ain't right. it's no wonder that every time i try to describe where i work i'm like, it's just so... ODD.

i don't fit in in any way. i tried this past week. i got excited (always a mistake in this job) about possibilities discussed at the quarterly mtg and breakout sessions. but it's like, ok, i have ideas, i'm willing to work hard to implement them, and even if my manager recognizes these as good ideas, he does not take the steps necessary to put them into place. how frustrating. i had thought ok, i will step it up because i have to for my own sake. i told him i had ideas i wanted to implement and they were really good ones for all of us and "for the good of the company." i mentioned that once i got the systems/process down, i needed to be challenged, so it would make sense to take me up on these ideas and help me implement them. there's only so far i can go. the process and implementation has to come from him.

so in our first 1-on-1 i mention these things. he asks me first how it has been going and i say: it's been up and down but mostly up now. as a manager, wouldn't you ask WHY if i told you that my intro to the company wasn't great... and all he told me was that he liked my writing (it seemed like a hollow complement) but here's what i could do better - the creativity was cool but add some more key words in there so we come up more in google searches. write with a thought to SEO. ok, fine, sure, i can do that. but seriously, that's the FIRST thing and ONLY thing you mention about my work??? how about hey, glad you're here, glad you jumped right into it, etc.

so my emotional state went down again. it is extremely difficult to work i these conditions. i'm a person who speaks up and is willing to put in extra hours and work to make improvements, to get things going in a better way. what a fuckin' waste of me and my talents. once upon a time maybe i could just sit at a desk and do meaningless work and leave and get paid and all was well. but it's so soulless. it's not who i truly am. it's not how i WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE. i never want my job to be the thing that defines me, but it's just too many hours to feel so blah or frustrated or tired of the kids and how they relate to each other. i want to be engaged and it's impossible. there's no opportunity to do so. i talk to coworkers, i try to step it up, i tried to be in a better mood and participate more, but none of it matters. fine, screw them, how can i make this experience better for me? i don't know. because i tried the above and it worked but them the reality of this place finds a way to get in my face and poof, there goes any desire to be there. i can really help out in this place, i can really take us to a higher level, etc. but nothing ever happens. always these wishy-washy responses of oh yeah, that sounds good, we'll have to see about it... something along those lines each and every time.

you want to know what the company is busiest with? recruiting! daily interviews and calls and it's insane b/c hey you have employees here you are not hearing. oh wait, you have 1 employee who thinks this is so weird and makes no sense and doesn't fit in (which is a good thing, really) and so here's a great opportunity to help the company meet its goals. she has more knowledge and experience than her 25-yr-old team members. fuckin' use it. but no. it atrophies. poo on them. large crap on me b/c it takes all my energy to sit there, going the opposite way of progress, stifling any creativity, and listening to sad juvenile talk (never ever are there any real conversations. the most they actually "converse" about is some new video game that came out a week ago.)

hate it. love it. maybe i can deal with either. but this bipolar experience really sucks. i can decide how i want my day to go but it's like swimming against the tide. and sometimes i can flow with the tide. but more often the tide, and i never know when it will happen, hits me, hard. i never know what will happen. and at this place that is not exciting like it can and has been at other places. talk about feeling out of control.

i figured this would be a nice relaxing weekend. but more and more relaxing means "napping" for hours. so i feel unproductive, a bit pissed, and then more pissy about the fact that it's back to work time. in such a short time it's become a "hit snooze a million times" job, an "i don't like sundays

i don't know anymore. i feel defeated. and that's not how i want to spend my days. i don't want low energy, not giving a shit, not glowing, not thriving... it's NOT ME. and to sit for all those hours (literally sit for hours) unable to be ME or express myself is harmful. i do not want to get fired. i need this job.i wish they needed me back, in the way they should. i wish every day didn't feel like i am in costume. and i hate the sacrifice of a long commute (and so much having to gas up -- expensive!) for...for what? for a good job? wouldn't be that much of an issue. for bullshit? totally an issue.