my boss has no managerial skills. it's weird b/c he is not an idiot but i think he lacks people skills on some fundamental level. i know he is overwhelmed by the "kids" (my coworkers in their 20s). this is the way the kids communicate: they insult each other in funny not malicious ways but it's still pretty intense. the boss sometimes tries to tell them to not used certain words but no one takes it seriously. the other thing the kids do (they're mostly boys) is talk and play videogames. this is my daily work atmosphere. flying insults (at least they make me laugh) and video games. this shit ain't right. it's no wonder that every time i try to describe where i work i'm like, it's just so... ODD.
i don't fit in in any way. i tried this past week. i got excited (always a mistake in this job) about possibilities discussed at the quarterly mtg and breakout sessions. but it's like, ok, i have ideas, i'm willing to work hard to implement them, and even if my manager recognizes these as good ideas, he does not take the steps necessary to put them into place. how frustrating. i had thought ok, i will step it up because i have to for my own sake. i told him i had ideas i wanted to implement and they were really good ones for all of us and "for the good of the company." i mentioned that once i got the systems/process down, i needed to be challenged, so it would make sense to take me up on these ideas and help me implement them. there's only so far i can go. the process and implementation has to come from him.
so in our first 1-on-1 i mention these things. he asks me first how it has been going and i say: it's been up and down but mostly up now. as a manager, wouldn't you ask WHY if i told you that my intro to the company wasn't great... and all he told me was that he liked my writing (it seemed like a hollow complement) but here's what i could do better - the creativity was cool but add some more key words in there so we come up more in google searches. write with a thought to SEO. ok, fine, sure, i can do that. but seriously, that's the FIRST thing and ONLY thing you mention about my work??? how about hey, glad you're here, glad you jumped right into it, etc.
so my emotional state went down again. it is extremely difficult to work i these conditions. i'm a person who speaks up and is willing to put in extra hours and work to make improvements, to get things going in a better way. what a fuckin' waste of me and my talents. once upon a time maybe i could just sit at a desk and do meaningless work and leave and get paid and all was well. but it's so soulless. it's not who i truly am. it's not how i WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE. i never want my job to be the thing that defines me, but it's just too many hours to feel so blah or frustrated or tired of the kids and how they relate to each other. i want to be engaged and it's impossible. there's no opportunity to do so. i talk to coworkers, i try to step it up, i tried to be in a better mood and participate more, but none of it matters. fine, screw them, how can i make this experience better for me? i don't know. because i tried the above and it worked but them the reality of this place finds a way to get in my face and poof, there goes any desire to be there. i can really help out in this place, i can really take us to a higher level, etc. but nothing ever happens. always these wishy-washy responses of oh yeah, that sounds good, we'll have to see about it... something along those lines each and every time.
you want to know what the company is busiest with? recruiting! daily interviews and calls and it's insane b/c hey you have employees here you are not hearing. oh wait, you have 1 employee who thinks this is so weird and makes no sense and doesn't fit in (which is a good thing, really) and so here's a great opportunity to help the company meet its goals. she has more knowledge and experience than her 25-yr-old team members. fuckin' use it. but no. it atrophies. poo on them. large crap on me b/c it takes all my energy to sit there, going the opposite way of progress, stifling any creativity, and listening to sad juvenile talk (never ever are there any real conversations. the most they actually "converse" about is some new video game that came out a week ago.)
hate it. love it. maybe i can deal with either. but this bipolar experience really sucks. i can decide how i want my day to go but it's like swimming against the tide. and sometimes i can flow with the tide. but more often the tide, and i never know when it will happen, hits me, hard. i never know what will happen. and at this place that is not exciting like it can and has been at other places. talk about feeling out of control.
i figured this would be a nice relaxing weekend. but more and more relaxing means "napping" for hours. so i feel unproductive, a bit pissed, and then more pissy about the fact that it's back to work time. in such a short time it's become a "hit snooze a million times" job, an "i don't like sundays
i don't know anymore. i feel defeated. and that's not how i want to spend my days. i don't want low energy, not giving a shit, not glowing, not thriving... it's NOT ME. and to sit for all those hours (literally sit for hours) unable to be ME or express myself is harmful. i do not want to get fired. i need this job.i wish they needed me back, in the way they should. i wish every day didn't feel like i am in costume. and i hate the sacrifice of a long commute (and so much having to gas up -- expensive!) for...for what? for a good job? wouldn't be that much of an issue. for bullshit? totally an issue.
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