FACT

Going for a long walk with your dog makes everything better.

So, What Happened? (shrug) I dunno (end shrug)

Tuesday interview + test. Thursday interview with 2 VPs and the CEO = 3 very intense hours. Not typical interviews. Stuff I really had to think about, sample scenarios of what decisions I would make if I had the job, it was almost like an oral test for school. I liked that they asked real questions, but man, it really was intense. I'm like, can I get paid now for the work I've already done? And now the wait. But I was so tired, no, exhausted, really, after all of this that I got more numb than anything, and my main feeling became "I don't care." After Tuesday I was really excited and thought ok, interviewing done. Then, no, interviewing not done. Then totally evaluating me for 3 hours, lots of "what would you do if" questions. I did fine. Better than fine. But somehow I left feeling "I just don't know." Usually, after all that, I would think, yep, got the job. But this is a smaller company and there are so many factors involved, from am i qualified to how well for i fit in the company... Again, I don't know. I've just never put in so much in the interview stage. Yeah, I can do it. And yeah, I did it, and well. But I guess part of me's like, ok, what else do you want...

Which brings me to where I am now. There's nothing else I can do. I've done everything I can and that's that. So now I just wait. And there's a relief that it is out of my hands. And while the most dangerous condition for me to be in, in general, is "numb," at this point it's all I can do. I can't invest any more emotions. It can go either way. It's Friday. I think, well, maybe they don't want to ruin my weekend. Or they'll wait till EOD. Or Monday. They said they'd make the decision quickly. They must like me to invest so much time in me already. But that doesn't automatically = job. I guess that's weird to me b/c in every other job situation in my life, if they like me AND i do well and not mess up, i think, yep, i got it, and i do. How weird to be in this nebulous position.

I guess it matches everything else these days. Correlates to the rest of my life. Or affects it. Whatever is "on hold" has pretty much everything to do with employment. Things I want to do are on hold because of money. And that's not a bad lesson, of course. But I don't do well living in the unknown. I like some structure. I have become OK with not knowing everything that's coming around the corner, and at times I have even liked that. Even during this job process I think, well, you never know where the universe will take you. That's all well and good, except for this: rent. electricity. bills. That all requires money. Meaning I need a paycheck.

Last week a young teen girl hit my car. Not big damage done -- it's one of the reasons I wanted an SUV. She's 16, only had car for 3 weeks, Dad concerned about insurance rates, no one's physically hurt, etc., so he offers me $200. I take $200. My car stays scratched, but looks like I can pay for electricity. So here I am happy that someone hit my car. I don't like that. I don't like thinking that. And I don't like the truth of it -- car accident means I get to keep the lights on.

So here's another 24 hours period where I feel like shit. Yesterday I even got physically ill. And what do I want to do when I feel like this? Eat and Shop. Shop and Eat. And Eat some more. These months coulda been an awesome opportunity to get healthy, lose "the FL" on me (most of the weight). I cannot describe how much I need to do that, for so many reasons it is crucial that I lose weight. But I'm a food addict. And addicts don't handle stress well without their fixes. At least when I went to Krispy Kreme this time, I finally got there when the red sign was on, which means my doughnuts were wonderfully warm.

And so I sit. And wait. And worry. And try to get rid of that other emotion that comes up and the corresponding urge that pops up when I feel crappy (there's one more thing that I think of besides food and shopping; thankfully it[he] is not readily accessible and I know that it is most definitely not the way [person] for me to turn). Funny how some things just get a hold on you no matter how much time passes.

I sit. I wait. I buy a concert ticket (last "extra" I can afford, sorta [maybe?] until I get a paycheck) because shows make me happy and I like looking forward to them. I nap a lot. (Hey, it's free.) I enjoy kisses from my pup. And I wait.

Look Here's Where I Write! Like, Sometimes or Whatever.

On a less regular basis than I first imagined.

Awesome phone interview on Thursday. Proud of how I did. REALLY proud that I sit in the very middle of a Borders cafe, on my cell phone, laptop open to company's site...that's something I wouldn't have been able to do before. I was not self conscious in the least. I felt energized, actually. And then I stayed at Borders for hours.

When missing books, I felt it good to be surrounded by them. At a bookstore where I always feel comfortable. More so than B&N. And definitely more so than the library. I went and got my card and most of the books I looked up where not just unavailable at that branch, but the message I got was "no copies available at any location." This is Austin, TX, people. I suppose we're a book buying town? Our bookstores do have good traffic...

Have come across awesome quotes recently. Feeling lazy to share anything at the moment. Maybe after the interview (before they call me back for round 3, or just be so impressed that they hire me outright) I can get back into another mindset. It was weird because at Borders I flipped through an amazing book about collage making and I got so inspired to start my art. I have the ideas and I know I have the talent. And duh, I have the time. I also have the excuses and something that gets in the way of taking that leap. Weird.

This weekend I made sofa cushions (yellow!). And tried not to get the NYT but by 2pm I was dying and had to have a copy. I read design and creative craft blogs. I watched shows on HGTV. This is not me growing old. I have loved such things or variations of them for over 20 years.

Interview on my mind today. Gonna prep later when I'm more focused. Or later in the evening so it's fresher in my mind for tomorrow. I do well on interviews because of the work I do beforehand. I gotta walk in there confident. And smile a lot. That helps, too.

Job Interview Tomorrow

1. Prep today.
2. Light candle, put it out there in the universe, pray.
3. Know directions perfectly.
4. Get to area early and find coffee shop.
5. Have latte, read more, get in the groove
6. Go to interview.
7. Wow 'em.

Oh, and this was cool to read today, from The Daily Om:

Passion-Fueled Work
Taurus Daily Horoscope
You might be resourceful at work today, which could make you feel competent and good about your talents. Perhaps because you are using your gifts to their fullest, you may find that whatever you set your mind to can easily be achieved. If you can align your skills with the tasks you have to do, you could notice that not only will you get everything done, but you will also realize your true potential. Today you might try to ask yourself how you can alter the nature of your work so as to completely use your talents, which are often things you have a passion for. Thinking about what you enjoy doing passionately, for example, can help you find a way to infuse your work with the same enthusiasm and make everything you do successful.

Letting the things we delight in infiltrate into our working life allows us to use the blessings the universe has bestowed upon us to their fullest. Work, for many of us, might be something that we keep separate from our passions in order to make a living. The things that feed our spirit, however, are often the things that we are best at, and using these gifts in their totality will make our work better as well as give us greater confidence with each thing we accomplish. By fueling your work with your passion today, you will honor the myriad gifts that you have to offer others.

Hey Self, Listen to This (you too, ladies)

When you ask, it is given, every single time, no exceptions. You are beloved, blessed Beings who deserve good things—but it takes a self-convincing before you will allow good things.

Times When Not to Google People and Times When You Have to Tell the Batteries Eff You

"Each and every component that makes up your life experience is drawn to you by the powerful Law of Attraction's response to the thoughts you think and the story you tell about your life. Your money and financial assets; your body's state of wellness, clarity, flexibility, size, and shape; your work environment, how you are treated, work satisfaction, and rewards—indeed, the very happiness of your life experience in general—is all happening because of the story that you tell." 

Uh-oh. Uh-oh because the story today is about my stupid action. I looked up the person who has the job I want. Y'all, if you want to feel unaccomplished and insecure, I can pass on her info. Here I am thinking I am so qualified and perfect for this job and then I see the qualifications of the current Editor. I am a writer and editor, and a damn good one. I can and will get the job done, on time, and am very open to learning. My damn work ethic even had me putting in so many extra hours at HSN, just because I wanted my work to be good. I love learning and this new job is an opportunity for me to both use my talent and grow in this position -- so many interesting things to learn. And without learning, I get bored.

Anyway, this chic has years upon years (upon even more years) of scientific writing, medical writing, specific academic grant writing, and scientific publications and presentations. Oh, and she has a PhD in Biology. Now, her qualifications are way above and beyond what the job description lists as requirements, so that gives me some hope. Except I can't help but think of them comparing current editor to possible new ones -- how could they not? Result: I don't feel as good as I did before my stupid investigative actions. I want this job. I need this job. This is, of anything out there, the one that immediately spoke to me (in regular English, not scientific speak!). And I love the possibility of working at the university again.

But how can my mind not go to comparing our profiles and resumes side by side and them thinking, um, where is our scientific specialist candidate? Sure, this gal (me) can do marketing, has UT experience, has worked on funding proposals, has academic publications, has her MA degree...etc. Yet, I am not a medical expert and my background is not scientific. (now would I want it to be) I think this can help in the sense that what I bring to this role is excellent writing skills, editing, coordinating those grants, etc. from the role of someone who will market the research proposals and make them stand out. I can make things sound good. (HSN taught me that! Seriously, some of the things I had to write...sigh)

What to do? What can any of us do when we reach such a point? Trust. I tried praying using that word this morning and it was so hard for me to believe it. I guess this is a main reason I write -- the more words I type here the more I feel that trust. Trust that this is MY job. Moreover, trust that the right job will come and is mine, and I hope with all my being that it is this particular one. Trust in the connection I felt when I saw this job posting. Trust that whatever happens is for the best. 

Whether you believe in God, pray in Jesus' name, or send your thoughts to the Universe -- it's all positive energy being sent out there. In all those varieties, I have lots of people supporting me and believing in me.What does it take for me to do the same for myself? Not an easy lesson for any of us. It's so much easier to knock ourselves down than lift ourselves up. I've worked too hard to be in that place, though. As I sat across from Kim in June and said it, I gotta say it again: Gisele is employable.

One of my favorite lines in my fave movie "Once" is when Marketa is using the cd player and the batteries die. And she says to them "Fuck you, batteries." And then she searches for new ones and ends up taking change out of a piggy bank and walking to the store in her bunny slippers. She gets her batteries, she gets the player to work, and on the walk back home she sings a song she wrote. At that moment, that is the story she tells. So, fuck you batteries (negative thoughts that try to swarm into my brain while wearing graduation caps from their biology PhD ceremonies). I choose to tell a different story.

(Still, y'all, google with caution.)

Titles or Sayings I Have Come Across Today So Far

* Take A Chance
* Hustle for Worthiness
* Define Your Moment
* What does it take for you to trust yourself?
* Living on purpose means making deliberate choices about our personal
  resources -- our time, money, energy and love
* Authentic Joy
* This is Life. Jump In. Make it Count.

My Recent Journaling Inspiration

"Journals and diaries often blossom when we have hit a rough patch in our lives. We go to our books when we are confused and searching. When life feels especially dark or friendless, a blank page offers refuge. There, we do our work. We play with paradox. We peek into the dark places. We respond to the questions that haunt or baffle us. And little by little we move forward. We transform."

Artsyville post (check out her Etsy page) about journals of transformation (a post about Jennifer New and Jennifer's visual journaling - check out her book)

One of my favorites:

Illustration © Aimee Dolich/Artsyville. Buy it here.

So I Am Writing Again

The inspiration? Austin. Also, I can't seem to not write.

I want to jot down lots of things. I want to make lists of everything I want to do in this awesome town. I want the Interwebnets to know that I seriously want to go tubing this summer. And that, believe it or not, one of the things I want to do once in my life is bungee jump (but it must be picturesque and all that, not like at a county fair or some other b.s. "jump"). I want to sit down and write about my feeeelings and thoughts -- my mind is always ON. I want to tell you about the soundtracks to my life -- I thought everyone walked around with a song in their heads every waking moment and holy shit, it turns out that's not true.  I want to eat at taco trailers and more taco trailers and more other-food trailers and be part of this eatery experience that seems to have taken over Austin. I want to go to music shows. A lot. I want to go to the Alamo to see movies. I want to see movies outside in parks and by pools. I want to go to quaint redneck beer halls. I want to go to dives. I want to dress up and sip a vodka at a fancy bar. I want chips and salsa. I want crab cakes Benedict at the South Congress cafe. I want Vivo's food and margaritas.

I want to tell you that it's August and we are having our hottest days and it's 103 degrees and I don't care b/c I am in Austin. My "damn it's hot" is more of an observation, not my FL lament and complaint using similar words and then wanting to cry. It rained last night and I loved hearing it. I also love walking in the rain -- it's like a giddy, kid thing for me.

I want to wander and enjoy it. I want to ponder and not over-analyze. I want to follow the process and reach enlightening conclusions, not judgment and depression. I want to remember that life is about choices and I will honor mine. I want to spark my creativity and finally get to work on the mixed media collages I want to make. I want to sew stuff for my couch so I can get closer to the color palette I want. I love colors. I also love the number 27. Just because it is pretty.

I want to read again. Where has my passion for books gone? Even magazine reading seems like a chore lately: the issue arrived, I better finish it before the next one gets here. How did that happen? Buying books again would be cool but is too expensive right now. Yes, the library is an option but it has all these waiting lists and deadlines that sometimes take the fun out of reading. I can be elitist, too, I suppose. I loved the libraries in SF but am not fond of the ones in FL. A different space, though, in so many ways. A different vibe, a different outlook, a different me.

I want to pretend I'm not aging. Just about everyone I know does not feel like their numerical age. I find that fascinating. I never aged myself past 32 because I just didn't feel older than that. This year I accepted 38 and suddenly I feel unhealthy and lethargic and what the hell are these new aches and pains? And I've always had body issues, but this time I tend to see it more as "fat and old" and that that's just the way it's gonna be. Except that it's not the way I want it to be. And I don't want to be lethargic either. I don't want to fall asleep in a chair while watching TV (that's even so hard to admit! my uncle does that but he's in his 70s.) Surely there is a place between acceptance and pretend, as somehow I see both in the negative sense. This is the most difficult area of acceptance for me. How can I accept myself when so much of me wants to change myself? That's my koan.

I want to share the amazing things I read in blogs written by amazing people. I want to shout about the joy I can now (if I make the choice and effort) experience, sometimes in a random moment, whether it stays or not. Did you know I didn't know the meaning of gratitude until last Thanksgiving? No light bulb moment. It was just me and my dog, Belle, and some turkey and potatoes and suddenly I knew what so many people meant about gratitude being the way to happiness. So my 2010 project has been to keep a gratitude journal, writing at least 5 things a day in it. I'll admit I don't write every day, sometimes I just want sleep. But even then I think about what I would have written, and write them the next day. As long as I remember to live it, I think it's OK to go back and fill in for past days. I'm always amazed when I flip back through the pages and randomly read some of my "I am grateful" lines. My dog features prominently. Since moving to Austin, the CM steak salad has made several appearances as well.

I want you to know that a week or so ago I had a total meltdown day, crying and everything. Mostly due to stress about not having a job. I gave in to the crying because that part felt good. But I did not sit in silence -- I reached out to people. I felt an urge to go back to one of my coping mechanisms to search for comfort, when in reality it's the last place comfort can be found. I met the urge halfway and realized it was enough to think it, see it, and then there was no need to actually do it. That's a big deal. And a really big deal is that that same week I did turn off the lights in my living room at night and made it dark. But it was so I could better experience a live concert broadcast. And I ended up dancing by myself in my home and singing aloud and just enjoying the moment. Just thinking about it makes me smile. That's the real me there, singing and dancing and being silly. Sure, when no one's looking, maybe. But lots of people don't even do that!

I want to express my love for the color orange and my strange affinity for orange cones. I personalize them when I see them on the street. No, I am not crazy, I just think it's fun. The color yellow really makes me happy lately. A long way from high school when my favorite color was black.

I want to have this space for all that and more. Life is so strange. I simultaneously have surprising stuff going on while having so many other things not going on. I simultaneously can be so happy to slip into a comfortable piece of clothing at home while being so appalled that for the outside world, I have nothing to wear b/c nothing fits or looks good. I can simultaneously look at my nails and be happy they are growing again after all the packing and moving but as soon as I catch a glimpse of all of myself in the mirror, I am disgusted. I can simultaneously feel blessed to have amazing friends and also be home and feel lonely in being alone. Intense dichotomies. I've still not made peace with the word "balance." (It's still on my list of "bad words.") But hey, if i finally figured out "gratitude," there's hope there yet.

I'll eventually deal with the components of this space -- the layout, gadgets, links, and whatnots. Whatnots are important. Right now, though, I just want to put this out there without caring about font or color (to the extent that I, a lover of fonts and color, can). See...dichotomies... I can accept the inner content here and not worry about the look (see comments about self and whoa, damn, i am so not able to give myself the same break I give to a silly blog layout).

Anyway, today I started writing again.* And that is good.

~Violet (my Austin name)

*ps. typos allowed