"Each and every component that makes up your life experience is drawn to you by the powerful Law of Attraction's response to the thoughts you think and the story you tell about your life. Your money and financial assets; your body's state of wellness, clarity, flexibility, size, and shape; your work environment, how you are treated, work satisfaction, and rewards—indeed, the very happiness of your life experience in general—is all happening because of the story that you tell."
Uh-oh. Uh-oh because the story today is about my stupid action. I looked up the person who has the job I want. Y'all, if you want to feel unaccomplished and insecure, I can pass on her info. Here I am thinking I am so qualified and perfect for this job and then I see the qualifications of the current Editor. I am a writer and editor, and a damn good one. I can and will get the job done, on time, and am very open to learning. My damn work ethic even had me putting in so many extra hours at HSN, just because I wanted my work to be good. I love learning and this new job is an opportunity for me to both use my talent and grow in this position -- so many interesting things to learn. And without learning, I get bored.
Anyway, this chic has years upon years (upon even more years) of scientific writing, medical writing, specific academic grant writing, and scientific publications and presentations. Oh, and she has a PhD in Biology. Now, her qualifications are way above and beyond what the job description lists as requirements, so that gives me some hope. Except I can't help but think of them comparing current editor to possible new ones -- how could they not? Result: I don't feel as good as I did before my stupid investigative actions. I want this job. I need this job. This is, of anything out there, the one that immediately spoke to me (in regular English, not scientific speak!). And I love the possibility of working at the university again.
But how can my mind not go to comparing our profiles and resumes side by side and them thinking, um, where is our scientific specialist candidate? Sure, this gal (me) can do marketing, has UT experience, has worked on funding proposals, has academic publications, has her MA degree...etc. Yet, I am not a medical expert and my background is not scientific. (now would I want it to be) I think this can help in the sense that what I bring to this role is excellent writing skills, editing, coordinating those grants, etc. from the role of someone who will market the research proposals and make them stand out. I can make things sound good. (HSN taught me that! Seriously, some of the things I had to write...sigh)
What to do? What can any of us do when we reach such a point? Trust. I tried praying using that word this morning and it was so hard for me to believe it. I guess this is a main reason I write -- the more words I type here the more I feel that trust. Trust that this is MY job. Moreover, trust that the right job will come and is mine, and I hope with all my being that it is this particular one. Trust in the connection I felt when I saw this job posting. Trust that whatever happens is for the best.
Whether you believe in God, pray in Jesus' name, or send your thoughts to the Universe -- it's all positive energy being sent out there. In all those varieties, I have lots of people supporting me and believing in me.What does it take for me to do the same for myself? Not an easy lesson for any of us. It's so much easier to knock ourselves down than lift ourselves up. I've worked too hard to be in that place, though. As I sat across from Kim in June and said it, I gotta say it again: Gisele is employable.
One of my favorite lines in my fave movie "Once" is when Marketa is using the cd player and the batteries die. And she says to them "Fuck you, batteries." And then she searches for new ones and ends up taking change out of a piggy bank and walking to the store in her bunny slippers. She gets her batteries, she gets the player to work, and on the walk back home she sings a song she wrote. At that moment, that is the story she tells. So, fuck you batteries (negative thoughts that try to swarm into my brain while wearing graduation caps from their biology PhD ceremonies). I choose to tell a different story.
(Still, y'all, google with caution.)
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Be nice.