Tuesday interview + test. Thursday interview with 2 VPs and the CEO = 3 very intense hours. Not typical interviews. Stuff I really had to think about, sample scenarios of what decisions I would make if I had the job, it was almost like an oral test for school. I liked that they asked real questions, but man, it really was intense. I'm like, can I get paid now for the work I've already done? And now the wait. But I was so tired, no, exhausted, really, after all of this that I got more numb than anything, and my main feeling became "I don't care." After Tuesday I was really excited and thought ok, interviewing done. Then, no, interviewing not done. Then totally evaluating me for 3 hours, lots of "what would you do if" questions. I did fine. Better than fine. But somehow I left feeling "I just don't know." Usually, after all that, I would think, yep, got the job. But this is a smaller company and there are so many factors involved, from am i qualified to how well for i fit in the company... Again, I don't know. I've just never put in so much in the interview stage. Yeah, I can do it. And yeah, I did it, and well. But I guess part of me's like, ok, what else do you want...
Which brings me to where I am now. There's nothing else I can do. I've done everything I can and that's that. So now I just wait. And there's a relief that it is out of my hands. And while the most dangerous condition for me to be in, in general, is "numb," at this point it's all I can do. I can't invest any more emotions. It can go either way. It's Friday. I think, well, maybe they don't want to ruin my weekend. Or they'll wait till EOD. Or Monday. They said they'd make the decision quickly. They must like me to invest so much time in me already. But that doesn't automatically = job. I guess that's weird to me b/c in every other job situation in my life, if they like me AND i do well and not mess up, i think, yep, i got it, and i do. How weird to be in this nebulous position.
I guess it matches everything else these days. Correlates to the rest of my life. Or affects it. Whatever is "on hold" has pretty much everything to do with employment. Things I want to do are on hold because of money. And that's not a bad lesson, of course. But I don't do well living in the unknown. I like some structure. I have become OK with not knowing everything that's coming around the corner, and at times I have even liked that. Even during this job process I think, well, you never know where the universe will take you. That's all well and good, except for this: rent. electricity. bills. That all requires money. Meaning I need a paycheck.
Last week a young teen girl hit my car. Not big damage done -- it's one of the reasons I wanted an SUV. She's 16, only had car for 3 weeks, Dad concerned about insurance rates, no one's physically hurt, etc., so he offers me $200. I take $200. My car stays scratched, but looks like I can pay for electricity. So here I am happy that someone hit my car. I don't like that. I don't like thinking that. And I don't like the truth of it -- car accident means I get to keep the lights on.
So here's another 24 hours period where I feel like shit. Yesterday I even got physically ill. And what do I want to do when I feel like this? Eat and Shop. Shop and Eat. And Eat some more. These months coulda been an awesome opportunity to get healthy, lose "the FL" on me (most of the weight). I cannot describe how much I need to do that, for so many reasons it is crucial that I lose weight. But I'm a food addict. And addicts don't handle stress well without their fixes. At least when I went to Krispy Kreme this time, I finally got there when the red sign was on, which means my doughnuts were wonderfully warm.
And so I sit. And wait. And worry. And try to get rid of that other emotion that comes up and the corresponding urge that pops up when I feel crappy (there's one more thing that I think of besides food and shopping; thankfully it[he] is not readily accessible and I know that it is most definitely not the way [person] for me to turn). Funny how some things just get a hold on you no matter how much time passes.
I sit. I wait. I buy a concert ticket (last "extra" I can afford, sorta [maybe?] until I get a paycheck) because shows make me happy and I like looking forward to them. I nap a lot. (Hey, it's free.) I enjoy kisses from my pup. And I wait.
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Be nice.