have a good attitude about my job today.
Per the wisdom of Tim Gunn, "Make it work."
9.30.2010
9.27.2010
I think I'm pissed
OR should I just say, FUCK YOU, BATTERIES! Except that's my rallying cry.
I am sitting outside on my porch or whatever it is. And of course i wish I actually liked it. but I do love sitting outside when the weather is cooler and things are silent. Then again, I am pissed. Because I live on the 1st floor, NOT BY CHOICE. I originally was gonna get a 2nd flr apt and then they're like, oh wait, your dog weighs more than 50lbs, so the rule is that if pets are over 50lbs, you can only get a 1st floor apt. Which pisses me off b/c of the windows. the windows are almost ceiling to floor length, which means ain't no way I can open them at night. It's like a goddamn perfect crawl space. Tonight I was like, OK, let me give it a try. But uh-uh because (1) it's obvious anyone fits through that and I am terrified of shit like that and (2) even if i could cope with that, once i actually raised the window, the screen was dirty. Not a little dirty. Like let me throw some dirt on it dirty. My last year or months or whatever in SF were very, very difficult, to say the least. But there are a couple of things I'll always treasure. The rooftop, from where you could see the night sky. But most of all, the fact that I could sleep with the windows open. You see, I have mad love for fresh air. For air, really. Come to my apt and you'll find every ceiling fan on high, at max speed. I barely even notice it -- it's just normal to me.
I remember sleeping over someone's house once and waking up in the wee hours of the morning and seeing that the 2 windows were closed. And there was no fan. It wasn't hot in there or anything, but I still remember the feeling of suffocation that came over me. I kept thinking, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. Now here I am where I might actually get to experience fall weather except not so much. I hate it when it's warm in my apt and cooler outside -- as long as we're not talking winter.
So, that pisses me off. I want the simple pleasure of fresh air and I feel DENIED.
It is still relatively early, just past 10pm CST. It's been months and I am still not used to CST. C'mon, seriously, it's just downright odd. It throws off my internal clock, maybe because that clock seems so tied into my TV schedule. But "having" to be done with everything and in front of the TV by 7pm is insane. I mean, I can't watch everything in DVR! Let's just say that irks me. We'll leave "pisses me off" for the more "important" things.
Have I not mentioned to everyone I know (almost) that I loathe my job? And I am pissed about that. I am grateful to be employed, of course, no doubt, and I DO NOT want that to change. But shit, it feels so soul-less where I am. i can't be me. I work with these kids in their 20s and, as I have told several people, they are just so passionless that I fear for the future of humankind. I keep thinking of my last job. I had coworkers and acquaintances there, but I also had friends. And no matter what level I knew you on, we had ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS. I liked the movie "Superbad" and I like immature films people my age aren't supposed to like and I enjoy all that stupid humor, but not in person. Because I am not 24. Because I relate on a different level. Because I have no desire to get to know any of these people better, if that were even possible. I am such the anomaly, that all I can do is embrace that status. If I was more motivated, I could be the weirdo. I mean, in a way I already am. I am the Sesame Street example of "one of these things is not like the other." When my coworker (the one that pseudo trains me b/c I have to ask her shit b/c no one is officially assigned to train me, seriously, wtf?) was born, I was bitchy and depressed and suicidal and in love with George Michael. Now I try to not be bitchy, I try to keep depression at bay, maybe for once I am not suicidal, and I still love George Michael. (I must take this time to wish him well. We are all with you, George, and you will get through this. You do not belong in prison, and all of your fans know this. We have never forsaken you, for over 25 years, and you know you have the most loyal of fans who will never desert you.) Ha, how would I ever explain to any of my coworkers that George Michael saved my life? Not that I would want to. Not that they know who he is (and I like it that way). But when I was14 there were no cell phones or internet. There was me, in my room, alone, sad, and a voice that came through my record player (vinyl) or radio and gave me hope.
My workplace is so quiet it is unnerving. Sure, the kids talk to each other and stuff, but mostly it's a sea of headphones and cell phones on vibrate. The "real" phones do not ring. The only time I have used my work phone was to set up my voicemail, which was a totally unnecessary thing to do, as I have found out. I am used to coworkers taking a break to talk to their spouses, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, parents... Because that is NORMAL. All you hear at this place, if anything at all, is a slight buzz that indicates that someone is receiving a call or a text. I used to keep my cell phone in my handbag during the workday and never paid much attn to it. Now I keep it near me because it feels like my only connection to the outside world.
And here's another pissy thing. I feel bad. I actually FEEL BAD about not liking my job. So many people would kill for a job. So many people would kill for a job that seems so meaningless and monotonous and yet you get paid (decently) for this shit. I've said it before, though, it's like I am in a state of atrophy -- my eyes from staring at the 2 monitors, or my body from sitting at a desk all day without any walking over to someone else's desk to chat or something like is NORMAL. or my brain from the mindless numbness of it all. But can't I persevere? Can't I make it better? I mean, it seems like I make it sound worse than it is. Or do I? I dunno anymore. All I know is that I am sitting here not wanting to go to bed because the sooner I fall asleep the sooner it will be morning... And that is always a bad sign. Not wanting to go to bed the night before because you don't want to go to work the next morning.
Everything feels hazy, and I REALLY HATE THAT which means THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. Are you serious that I'm supposed to STILL be job hunting? Yes, with the security of employment, but that doesn't mean the opportunities are there. I've re-subscribed to the lists and all that. There's not much out there. Do I expect too much by wanting to be relatively happy at my place of employment? HELL TO THE NO. Because for me. that is a crucial factor. I keep saying, I made the choice, the very clear choice, at one point in my life to not be the person who spends 8 or 9 or 10 hours a day miserable, watching the clock, etc. That's just waaaayyy too many hours to spend in that state. I'm still in the process (and always will be) of rediscovering me after going thru (almost) hell and back. I refuse to sacrifice that -- what I have learned, where I am going and growing as a person... But... But... And there it is. Shouldn't I just do my job? Shouldn't I just do other things to try and fulfill my life instead? There's nothing wrong with that sentence except the "instead" part. Because that's not how I want to live my life.
At one point, I miraculously realized that I wanted to live. Not just that "I don't want to die," but that more so, I actually want to live. I don't know if I've ever fully felt that before. And don't want to give that up. I already had to convince me, who has been half in love with suicide with most of her life, that wanting to live is OK. I ain't giving that up now. What I mean is, there is no "life" where I work. I sit there. I surf the Interwebnets as part of my job. I write stupid blurbs. I post these things online. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. There is no creativity or sense of accomplishment or anything fulfilling in any way whatsoever about what I do. Don't tell me to find that one fulfilling thing b/c I swear to god it is not there.
So tonight I am pissed. I am pissed because i am confused and tired and scared and frustrated and fed up. I am pissed because at one moment tonight I just wanted to cry. And (1) I COULDN'T which really pisses me off and then (2) I SHOULDN'T because omg in the big picture this is so not that bad.
I am pissed. I am pissed that I am pissed. I feel guilty. I feel stupid. I feel like I am being ungrateful. I feel the judgment of sure, there i go again, nothing is ever enough or good enough. I am pissed because I don't know what to do. I am pissed b/c once again it feels like this uphill battle, and here's where the pity comes in, the sadness that one again it is all on me, i am alone, i have to struggle and do it myself on my own as always. and fuck it, i hate the pity.
Fuck You, Batteries. I want things to change for the better. I want my robe and furry slippers and a trip around the corner to the market to make things better my making them (literally) clearer. I want hope and music and love.
And there I leave it... because to go further is to sound like a total idiot loser girl. And I'm not really in the mood for that. There's plenty of time for that come tomorrow morning (haha).
i am pissed. i am uncomfortable. i know that the place of discomfort is the place of growth, i get that. that's ok and can be exhilarating at times. but i hate hazy and i hate not being secure (and yes, no one's ever secure, whatever). but i at least want solid ground under my feet. i don't feel strong or vibrant or motivated or smart or clear enough to think. yes, i know, "feel" my way out of this, into this, etc.... but i want the paycheck survival part to be settled. and good. not to still be iffy. i don't want this to consume my life. and for all it might teach me, it's vary hard for me to not feel like i am on shaky ground, and at that place i am not so much into finding the delightful introspection and fabulous journey as i am keen on: wtf, i need some security, like now.
it's now closer to 11. just writing stream of consciousness as always. still delaying the work morning. thinking wouldn't it be better to stay up most of the night and catch up on shows or reading or something? shouldn't i stay up and watch Craig? well yes, of course to that part, but the anxiety of the looming morning hangs in the atmosphere even as I watch my gorgeous Scotsman make dirty jokes.
2 weeks (less) until ACL. i can't wait for the escape of it, the going home of it. and yet i wonder, who is it that is going there? me? what me? again, all is cloudy. i hate hazy. i hate stuck. no wonder i (think) i'm pissed.
anyway, i gotta pee now.
I am sitting outside on my porch or whatever it is. And of course i wish I actually liked it. but I do love sitting outside when the weather is cooler and things are silent. Then again, I am pissed. Because I live on the 1st floor, NOT BY CHOICE. I originally was gonna get a 2nd flr apt and then they're like, oh wait, your dog weighs more than 50lbs, so the rule is that if pets are over 50lbs, you can only get a 1st floor apt. Which pisses me off b/c of the windows. the windows are almost ceiling to floor length, which means ain't no way I can open them at night. It's like a goddamn perfect crawl space. Tonight I was like, OK, let me give it a try. But uh-uh because (1) it's obvious anyone fits through that and I am terrified of shit like that and (2) even if i could cope with that, once i actually raised the window, the screen was dirty. Not a little dirty. Like let me throw some dirt on it dirty. My last year or months or whatever in SF were very, very difficult, to say the least. But there are a couple of things I'll always treasure. The rooftop, from where you could see the night sky. But most of all, the fact that I could sleep with the windows open. You see, I have mad love for fresh air. For air, really. Come to my apt and you'll find every ceiling fan on high, at max speed. I barely even notice it -- it's just normal to me.
I remember sleeping over someone's house once and waking up in the wee hours of the morning and seeing that the 2 windows were closed. And there was no fan. It wasn't hot in there or anything, but I still remember the feeling of suffocation that came over me. I kept thinking, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. Now here I am where I might actually get to experience fall weather except not so much. I hate it when it's warm in my apt and cooler outside -- as long as we're not talking winter.
So, that pisses me off. I want the simple pleasure of fresh air and I feel DENIED.
It is still relatively early, just past 10pm CST. It's been months and I am still not used to CST. C'mon, seriously, it's just downright odd. It throws off my internal clock, maybe because that clock seems so tied into my TV schedule. But "having" to be done with everything and in front of the TV by 7pm is insane. I mean, I can't watch everything in DVR! Let's just say that irks me. We'll leave "pisses me off" for the more "important" things.
Have I not mentioned to everyone I know (almost) that I loathe my job? And I am pissed about that. I am grateful to be employed, of course, no doubt, and I DO NOT want that to change. But shit, it feels so soul-less where I am. i can't be me. I work with these kids in their 20s and, as I have told several people, they are just so passionless that I fear for the future of humankind. I keep thinking of my last job. I had coworkers and acquaintances there, but I also had friends. And no matter what level I knew you on, we had ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS. I liked the movie "Superbad" and I like immature films people my age aren't supposed to like and I enjoy all that stupid humor, but not in person. Because I am not 24. Because I relate on a different level. Because I have no desire to get to know any of these people better, if that were even possible. I am such the anomaly, that all I can do is embrace that status. If I was more motivated, I could be the weirdo. I mean, in a way I already am. I am the Sesame Street example of "one of these things is not like the other." When my coworker (the one that pseudo trains me b/c I have to ask her shit b/c no one is officially assigned to train me, seriously, wtf?) was born, I was bitchy and depressed and suicidal and in love with George Michael. Now I try to not be bitchy, I try to keep depression at bay, maybe for once I am not suicidal, and I still love George Michael. (I must take this time to wish him well. We are all with you, George, and you will get through this. You do not belong in prison, and all of your fans know this. We have never forsaken you, for over 25 years, and you know you have the most loyal of fans who will never desert you.) Ha, how would I ever explain to any of my coworkers that George Michael saved my life? Not that I would want to. Not that they know who he is (and I like it that way). But when I was14 there were no cell phones or internet. There was me, in my room, alone, sad, and a voice that came through my record player (vinyl) or radio and gave me hope.
My workplace is so quiet it is unnerving. Sure, the kids talk to each other and stuff, but mostly it's a sea of headphones and cell phones on vibrate. The "real" phones do not ring. The only time I have used my work phone was to set up my voicemail, which was a totally unnecessary thing to do, as I have found out. I am used to coworkers taking a break to talk to their spouses, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, parents... Because that is NORMAL. All you hear at this place, if anything at all, is a slight buzz that indicates that someone is receiving a call or a text. I used to keep my cell phone in my handbag during the workday and never paid much attn to it. Now I keep it near me because it feels like my only connection to the outside world.
And here's another pissy thing. I feel bad. I actually FEEL BAD about not liking my job. So many people would kill for a job. So many people would kill for a job that seems so meaningless and monotonous and yet you get paid (decently) for this shit. I've said it before, though, it's like I am in a state of atrophy -- my eyes from staring at the 2 monitors, or my body from sitting at a desk all day without any walking over to someone else's desk to chat or something like is NORMAL. or my brain from the mindless numbness of it all. But can't I persevere? Can't I make it better? I mean, it seems like I make it sound worse than it is. Or do I? I dunno anymore. All I know is that I am sitting here not wanting to go to bed because the sooner I fall asleep the sooner it will be morning... And that is always a bad sign. Not wanting to go to bed the night before because you don't want to go to work the next morning.
Everything feels hazy, and I REALLY HATE THAT which means THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. Are you serious that I'm supposed to STILL be job hunting? Yes, with the security of employment, but that doesn't mean the opportunities are there. I've re-subscribed to the lists and all that. There's not much out there. Do I expect too much by wanting to be relatively happy at my place of employment? HELL TO THE NO. Because for me. that is a crucial factor. I keep saying, I made the choice, the very clear choice, at one point in my life to not be the person who spends 8 or 9 or 10 hours a day miserable, watching the clock, etc. That's just waaaayyy too many hours to spend in that state. I'm still in the process (and always will be) of rediscovering me after going thru (almost) hell and back. I refuse to sacrifice that -- what I have learned, where I am going and growing as a person... But... But... And there it is. Shouldn't I just do my job? Shouldn't I just do other things to try and fulfill my life instead? There's nothing wrong with that sentence except the "instead" part. Because that's not how I want to live my life.
At one point, I miraculously realized that I wanted to live. Not just that "I don't want to die," but that more so, I actually want to live. I don't know if I've ever fully felt that before. And don't want to give that up. I already had to convince me, who has been half in love with suicide with most of her life, that wanting to live is OK. I ain't giving that up now. What I mean is, there is no "life" where I work. I sit there. I surf the Interwebnets as part of my job. I write stupid blurbs. I post these things online. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. There is no creativity or sense of accomplishment or anything fulfilling in any way whatsoever about what I do. Don't tell me to find that one fulfilling thing b/c I swear to god it is not there.
So tonight I am pissed. I am pissed because i am confused and tired and scared and frustrated and fed up. I am pissed because at one moment tonight I just wanted to cry. And (1) I COULDN'T which really pisses me off and then (2) I SHOULDN'T because omg in the big picture this is so not that bad.
I am pissed. I am pissed that I am pissed. I feel guilty. I feel stupid. I feel like I am being ungrateful. I feel the judgment of sure, there i go again, nothing is ever enough or good enough. I am pissed because I don't know what to do. I am pissed b/c once again it feels like this uphill battle, and here's where the pity comes in, the sadness that one again it is all on me, i am alone, i have to struggle and do it myself on my own as always. and fuck it, i hate the pity.
Fuck You, Batteries. I want things to change for the better. I want my robe and furry slippers and a trip around the corner to the market to make things better my making them (literally) clearer. I want hope and music and love.
And there I leave it... because to go further is to sound like a total idiot loser girl. And I'm not really in the mood for that. There's plenty of time for that come tomorrow morning (haha).
i am pissed. i am uncomfortable. i know that the place of discomfort is the place of growth, i get that. that's ok and can be exhilarating at times. but i hate hazy and i hate not being secure (and yes, no one's ever secure, whatever). but i at least want solid ground under my feet. i don't feel strong or vibrant or motivated or smart or clear enough to think. yes, i know, "feel" my way out of this, into this, etc.... but i want the paycheck survival part to be settled. and good. not to still be iffy. i don't want this to consume my life. and for all it might teach me, it's vary hard for me to not feel like i am on shaky ground, and at that place i am not so much into finding the delightful introspection and fabulous journey as i am keen on: wtf, i need some security, like now.
it's now closer to 11. just writing stream of consciousness as always. still delaying the work morning. thinking wouldn't it be better to stay up most of the night and catch up on shows or reading or something? shouldn't i stay up and watch Craig? well yes, of course to that part, but the anxiety of the looming morning hangs in the atmosphere even as I watch my gorgeous Scotsman make dirty jokes.
2 weeks (less) until ACL. i can't wait for the escape of it, the going home of it. and yet i wonder, who is it that is going there? me? what me? again, all is cloudy. i hate hazy. i hate stuck. no wonder i (think) i'm pissed.
anyway, i gotta pee now.
9.20.2010
You are the owner of all that you perceive...
...But you can't perceive apart from your vibration.
Feel your way, little-by-little, into a greater sense of abundance
by looking for the treasures that the Universe is offering you
on a day-to-day basis.
This so does not feel under my control. I spent the morning saying it would be a good day. I wrote it on my chalkboard at home. I wrote in my gratitude journal (still going strong) that I was grateful I had a job to go to.
This is so fuckin' schizophrenic. One day I like it here, one day I'm meh/sorta like it, and some days I'm like goddammit get me the fuck out of here. Today is one of the goddammit days. The kind of day where I become a clock watcher, which I haven't had to do in a while. Seriously, wtf?
I have to make this better. It IS up to me, right? But this is such a waste of any talent I might possess. I'm not even a writer here. I write very little copy and I can just really grab shit off the interwebs and edit it a bit and voila, copy without any input of my own. But oh, why not put in your input anyway? I do. But then it takes longer. And my numbers aren't as good. WTF, I HAVE NUMBERS?
I need this paycheck. I need stable employment. But I feel so alone here 90% of the time. I'm like, what am I doing? Seriously, what the fuck am I doing with my entire day? Web surfing and what amounts to data entry? S sent me a card that said I'd get writing experience and a paycheck to buy tickets to go to shows. Half of that is correct. Friends visit the site and look at the blog posts and people immediately think that's what I write. Nooo, that's what I should be doing -- writing. I no longer have a business card that says Writer. It actually says Deals Coordinator. Sounds like a car salesman type gig. Ugh.
Shit. Shit. Shit. The editor job at UT was canceled. This cool Editor job at St. Ed's is just now reviewing applications -- but it has the title, role, etc., that I should have. So how did I end up here? I do not want to switch jobs, even if the opportunity should present itself. I'm pretty sure I'll make less money elsewhere, for starters. And also, I keep looking at this job and questioning the Universe -- surely there is a reason you brought me here. So I can focus more on my life than my job is the 1 I have come up with. But that's really hard to do as my brain atrophies and there is no creativity to my day.
I found this the other day:
The feeling of boredom is often misunderstood and can actually mean we need to look under the layers for change.
OK, I'll look. I need change in my "real life," and I am AWARE of that. Yet, it's incredibly difficult when I spend my days so undernourished. Is that an excuse? Whatevs. Still doesn't change the day-to-day crappy feeling that looms over me when I am here.
HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?
When we are uncomfortable, it is good in a way because it's a way the body tells us we need change; alerts us that something ain't right and it's time to do something about it. So, what do I need to change? It seems I need to change things that are not related to me in this desk with my 2 monitors, my bloodshot eyes, and a chair that I wish went higher. The cloudiness of the workday gets in the way. And I feel like I wasted my unemployment time soooo much. But that's how I roll. Couldn't do it then; regret now! :)
I am at a loss. It took me such a long time to come to terms with the fact that I AM a writer and a really talented one at that. But here I am not a writer. And that hurts. I swore I would never lose that part of me again. And I swore I would continue to do it professionally, late as I may be to the game, because I owe it to myself.
So again, how and WHY did I end up here?
9.16.2010
It is what it is. What is it?
I poured it out in email and text.from both, this is what i wrote. Sending it out there via email, FB mssgs and blog post. Seeing so many layers in the words. the email that got me writing this evening asked me Where are you? I see it's actually a deeper question in there for me. This is where I am.
I'm bored and I'm tired. I sit all day in front of 2 monitors while my eyes get red. I feel myself aging as I sit there. I told my friend that if she's in HSN hell, then I'm in purgatory. I spend all day on the internet and I miss My Own internet time of blogs and friends and inspiration and creativity.
I don't want a new job. I'd just really wish to like this one. I don't get these people. It's feeling too monotonous and lonely. There's fun humor but no real conversation. I feel old and alone and my eyes get really red and I can't see and it's so uncomfortable. My makeup fades quickly and I can feel that I look tired and grey instead of bright and smiling. I must look like 100 yrs old at times. I feel like 100 several times a day.
Monotony and boredom suck the life outta me. Not cool.
I feel so "busy with nothing." Maybe I have wandered into an existential or absurdist play b/c nothing feels authentic. (read that both ways. that there is no thing that feels real. and that the nothingness is the only thing that is.)
I'm OK, but I can't lose myself (My Self) to a desk job that makes me feel blah. I hate just working for a paycheck. Sure, at some point it can get better, but I am seriously in a strange haze, out of touch with everyone, everything, and myself.
It's interesting that as I was writing I discovered I miss authenticity and "life" most of all. I like them, but not a one of my coworkers would have any idea what I mean.
On my FB status I asked, What am I missing? Meaning what am I not getting? And I meant it initially as "ok, I literally don't understand this place" statement. But looking at the word "missing" and then having the words "not getting" follow that, then I see the other level. Something IS missing. There's something I'M not getting.
It's an opportunity to learn more about mySelf and what's important to me deep down. Why am I feeling what I'm feeling? It's a question to sit with, to live in, for now.
As always... who knows...
(but I do wish I felt physically better. at least my eyes.)
Where'd That Come From?
Damn. That just hit me. Hard. A bizarre, powerful moment of suddenly missing him.
9.06.2010
I fucking hate time warner cable
net down for a while. cable down for a lot longer. AGAIN. in the little over 2 months i've had TWC: i have to reboot the damn cable box up to 4x a week. i have never had so many cable problems. i have had to fix my own internet issue and router issue, even though i later found it to be a known, common problem. i have had to reconnect the cables from what the installer did b/c with his system, all the hd channels were wonky. so i moved everything to how i had it before with last cable company and voila, service. intermittent service, of course. sometimes you get a "channel not available at this time" for no reason. sometimes the box reboots itself.
best thing about today's service outages? when you called their phone number IT WAS BUSY. when i finally got through on the 15th(?) attempt and went through all the automated shit, i finally got a message saying that all south austin customers were experiencing a loss of all services.
but hey, at least they "apologize for the inconvenience." worst. cable. company. ever.
best thing about today's service outages? when you called their phone number IT WAS BUSY. when i finally got through on the 15th(?) attempt and went through all the automated shit, i finally got a message saying that all south austin customers were experiencing a loss of all services.
but hey, at least they "apologize for the inconvenience." worst. cable. company. ever.
9.03.2010
Living in the Questions
this is a definite must-read from "When I Grow Up - The Blog"
When my clients put on the pressure to find the answer, I ask them to live in the questions.” Here's what that means & why I haven't been slapped yet.
Embracing Womanhood and Sisterhood
from the DailyOm
Embracing Womanhood
There are many ways and myriad reasons for women to honor and embrace all that they are. And when any individual woman chooses to do so, all women collectively move closer to becoming what they are truly capable of being. By honoring her experience and being willing to share it with others—both male and female—she teaches as she learns. When she can trust herself and her inner voice, she teaches those around her to trust her as well. Clasping hands with family members and friends, coworkers and strangers in a shared walk through the journey of life, she allows all to see the self-respect she possesses and accepts their respect, too, that is offered through look, word, and deed.
When a woman can look back into her past, doing so without regret and instead seeing only lessons that brought her to her current strength and wisdom, she embraces the fullness of her experience. She helps those around her to build upon the past as she does. And when she chooses to create her desires, she places her power in the present and moves forward with life into the future.
Seeing her own divinity, a woman learns to recognize the divinity in all women. She then can see her body as a temple, appreciating its feminine form and function, regardless of what age or stage of life she finds herself. She can enjoy all that it brings to her experience and appreciate other women and their experiences as well. Rather than seeing other women as competition, she can look around her to see the cycle of life reflected in the beauty of her sisters, reminding her of her own radiance should she ever forget. She can then celebrate all the many aspects that make her a being worthy of praise, dancing to express the physical, speaking proudly to express her intellect, sharing her emotions, and leading the way with her spiritual guidance. Embracing her womanhood, she reveals the facets that allow her to shine with the beauty and strength of a diamond to illuminate her world.
© 2004-2010 DailyOM
In case no one knows, I am a huge fan of this guy
here's how he closed a gig back in spring.
Craig Ferguson - march 15 2010 - closing bit from soitisgirl on Vimeo.
9.02.2010
waiting...
waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting... so, do i have the job? what are the details? what's the offer? waiting. waiting. waiting. should know by today, i think.
in the meantime...
* lovely swim time for Belle on Wed + delicious tacos from a taco trailer for me! omg, soooo good
* a pretty awesome Tuesday with Shady Grove margaritas with Melita, around 3, then Tpop time and music class - I needed a good day like that!
* a fairly lazy wednesday... hearing from friends and updating my cell phone plan yet again since i went over my 1000 minutes last month and believe me, overages cost a lot! must get home phone soon.
* actually reading again. finished a whole book and started reading a novel. this is a big deal. also, if i get my job with my unpredictable commute - audio books from Audible!
* saw the Eddie Izzard documentary "Believe." Brilliant. I adore him. And there's a picture of him with Russel Brand from the film's premiere and omg how i wish i had been there just to see that.
* Amazing opening number at the Emmys. I love that they included Hurley.
* CraigyFerg back from vacation. Tan and looking good!
* My dog actually took care of me on the recent bad days when I got so depressed.
* The new TV season starts this month. Finally!!! CST, though, makes it weird.
* Wondering how my work hours will affect my personal life -- tv, music class, etc
* Will I ever make it to a hypnotherapist? I need a salary for that! While I make it back to Kim therapy anytime soon????? I really want to. I hate financial woes.
And today... waiting, waiting, waiting... I wish I knew exactly WHEN i will find out. Everything's in place, but there is 1 thing that might bite me in the ass. Plus, nothing's ever sure until it is absolutely sure. Where's my call? Will it be good news? Will I get a good offer on salary? I did everything I could; it's out of my hands now so all there is left is to wait.
Ugh, all this waiting, waiting, waiting... my stress and anxiety levels are way too high. Difficult time falling asleep at night, so I am sleepy now. Should I sleep now and wait to be awakened by the phone? Makes me way too nervous.
I should pick up the novel I am reading. Or select and sort the materials I want to use on a collage project I have been wanting to make for A Very Long Time Now but i never start and just end up organizing the bazillion craft supplies i have. Or watch the 1st season of Mad Men to find out what all the fuss is about while i enjoy the show's wardrobe.
i feel glued to my chair, unable to relax, and my phone is practically glued to me. for the waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting...
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