It is what it is. What is it?

I poured it out in email and text.from both, this is what i wrote.  Sending it out there via email, FB mssgs and blog post. Seeing so many layers in the words. the email that got me writing this evening asked me Where are you? I see it's actually a deeper question in there for me. This is where I am.

I'm bored and I'm tired. I sit all day in front of 2 monitors while my eyes get red. I feel myself aging as I sit there. I told my friend that if she's in HSN hell, then I'm in purgatory. I spend all day on the internet and I miss My Own internet time of blogs and friends and inspiration and creativity.

I don't want a new job. I'd just really wish to like this one. I don't get these people. It's feeling too monotonous and lonely. There's fun humor but no real conversation. I feel old and alone and my eyes get really red and I can't see and it's so uncomfortable. My makeup fades quickly and I can feel that I look tired and grey instead of bright and smiling. I must look like 100 yrs old at times. I feel like 100 several times a day.

Monotony and boredom suck the life outta me. Not cool.

I feel so "busy with nothing." Maybe I have wandered into an existential or absurdist play b/c nothing feels authentic. (read that both ways. that there is no thing that feels real. and that the nothingness is the only thing that is.)                                     

I'm OK, but I can't lose myself (My Self) to a desk job that makes me feel blah. I hate just working for a paycheck. Sure, at some point it can get better, but I am seriously in a strange haze, out of touch with everyone, everything, and myself.

It's interesting that as I was writing I discovered I miss authenticity and "life" most of all. I like them, but not a one of my coworkers would have any idea what I mean.

On my FB status I asked, What am I missing? Meaning what am I not getting? And I meant it initially as  "ok, I literally don't understand this place" statement. But looking at the word "missing" and then having the words "not getting" follow that, then I see the other level. Something IS missing. There's something I'M not getting.

It's an opportunity to learn more about mySelf and what's important to me deep down. Why am I feeling what I'm feeling? It's a question to sit with, to live in, for now.

As always... who knows...

(but I do wish I felt physically better. at least my eyes.)