You are the owner of all that you perceive...

...But you can't perceive apart from your vibration.

Feel your way, little-by-little, into a greater sense of abundance

by looking for the treasures that the Universe is offering you

on a day-to-day basis.

This so does not feel under my control. I spent the morning saying it would be a good day. I wrote it on my chalkboard at home. I wrote in my gratitude journal (still going strong) that I was grateful I had a job to go to.

This is so fuckin' schizophrenic. One day I like it here, one day I'm meh/sorta like it, and some days I'm like goddammit get me the fuck out of here. Today is one of the goddammit days. The kind of day where I become a clock watcher, which I haven't had to do in a while. Seriously, wtf?

I have to make this better. It IS up to me, right? But this is such a waste of any talent I might possess. I'm not even a writer here. I write very little copy and I can just really grab shit off the interwebs and edit it a bit and voila, copy without any input of my own. But oh, why not put in your input anyway? I do. But then it takes longer. And my numbers aren't as good. WTF, I HAVE NUMBERS?

I need this paycheck. I need stable employment. But I feel so alone here 90% of the time. I'm like, what am I doing? Seriously, what the fuck am I doing with my entire day? Web surfing and what amounts to data entry? S sent me a card that said I'd get writing experience and a paycheck to buy tickets to go to shows. Half of that is correct. Friends visit the site and look at the blog posts and people immediately think that's what I write. Nooo, that's what I should be doing -- writing. I no longer have a business card that says Writer. It actually says Deals Coordinator. Sounds like a car salesman type gig. Ugh.

Shit. Shit. Shit. The editor job at UT was canceled. This cool Editor job at St. Ed's is just now reviewing applications -- but it has the title, role, etc., that I should have. So how did I end up here? I do not want to switch jobs, even if the opportunity should present itself. I'm pretty sure I'll make less money elsewhere, for starters. And also, I keep looking at this job and questioning the Universe -- surely there is a reason you brought me here. So I can focus more on my life than my job is the 1 I have come up with. But that's really hard to do as my brain atrophies and there is no creativity to my day.  

I found this the other day: 

The feeling of boredom is often misunderstood and can actually mean we need to look under the layers for change.

OK, I'll look. I need change in my "real life," and I am AWARE of that. Yet, it's incredibly difficult when I spend my days so undernourished. Is that an excuse? Whatevs. Still doesn't change the day-to-day crappy feeling that looms over me when I am here. 

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?

When we are uncomfortable, it is good in a way because it's a way the body tells us we need change; alerts us that something ain't right and it's time to do something about it. So, what do I need to change? It seems I need to change things that are not related to me in this desk with my 2 monitors, my bloodshot eyes, and a chair that I wish went higher. The cloudiness of the workday gets in the way. And I feel like I wasted my unemployment time soooo much. But that's how I roll. Couldn't do it then; regret now! :)

I am at a loss. It took me such a long time to come to terms with the fact that I AM a writer and a really talented one at that. But here I am not a writer. And that hurts. I swore I would never lose that part of me again. And I swore I would continue to do it professionally, late as I may be to the game, because I owe it to myself.

So again, how and WHY did I end up here?