uh oh...

read Post Secret this morning and came across the postcard with the SF skyline (of all things) that said: "I Can't Feel Anymore" and realized instantly that right now that is me. why am i not motivated? why don't i care anymore? questions like that lately, impossible to answer. which is extremely frustrating. knowing i am not so much in a place of "acceptance" because i am not, in many aspects of my life, where i want to be. and yet i feel powerless to change anything. a better word: complacent. (adds the element of not giving a shit) except i WANT to give a shit. about my life. about my future. about my work. about where i live. about how i look. about my days. and fuck it, i DON'T FEEL ANYTHING.

(this is where, my best guess based on yrs of experience, is immobility/numbness = uh oh clinical depression)

i FELT at ACL. i FELT at the Gypsy Picnic. 2 very Austin, outdoor, park music, food, etc., events. The kind of events i love. thank god i was able to feel something. i went to the Mumford & Sons concert at one of my fave venues ever, Stubb;s outdoors, and the show was brilliant, but i didn't FEEL it like i tend to FEEL shows. and if i feel anything about that, it is anger. i need to see them again, they are brilliant, but i wasn't fully there for this show i had been looking forward to for months (got presale, sold out in an hour, etc) and then they don't disappoint AT ALL, but I DO.

i've never been in a situation where there's been a job i hate that i stay at. so, grow up, suck it up, been lucky so far. can't be in my 20s anymore, quitting and running away to europe as i max out credit cards and then return to a good economy that gives me another job. except for 1 thing. this job sucks the life out of me. i have to be numb to endure it, and since i am ME, i just close up but somehow never opened up again. i kept saying i've come too far mentally and emotionally to let some idiotic job set me back. i worked too goddamn hard through huge piles of shit. to feel good about who i am. to claim who i am. to be a writer. to enjoy the continuous discovery of Me. but i'm losing. for whatever reason, for me this IS a battle. i'm trying to find my way around it, spending the major part of my day "shut down." but i'm not good at moderation, never have been. i have been very good in the past at shutting down. so good, in fact, that this time that i have had to shut down, i once again have done a bang up A+ job of it. i could tell i was losing. i felt my spirit dying. it's not even "Fuck You Batteries" anymore. it's nothing. and "nothing" is NOT "living."

oh and of course since the body does not lie, i have had major aches and pains, major toothache, had teeny tiny part of a filling or crown or something fall off, had a corneal abrasion out of nowhere, plus my eyes are red every single day, and i know i am very anemic at this point. so there. the body is doing the feeling for me. like hey, dumbass, over here, can you FEEL this?

the early weeks here were terrifying without a job and so chaotic emotionally but i FELT something. the worst feeling in the world for me is "stuck." the worst mental/emotional condition i can be in is "numb."
s
therefore, even though i didn't write it, i may as well have:

this is what happens when i have a bad day, or more likely, a series of bad days. i think of...

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived 'til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived 'til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived 'til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

This feels like a weird time...

I don't know where anyone is, but they're not here.

Really Shitty Dilemma

I move to Austin where there are a million and a half things to do every day. Right now there are film fests (plural) and music (of course) and Oktoberfests and downtown loft tours and there's always 1st Thursday and 1st Friday and happy hours and cool events at the Highball ilke the Zombie Prom i REALLY WANT TO GO TO. And so much more! Trailer park Eatery festival - almost forget. And still so much more!

But basically...

So much to do, no one to do it with.

Pisses me off.

Turn Up the Volume - Oct 19

"I know #loveislouder than Ignorance. Today we are turning up the volume for anyone who feels mistreated, misunderstood or alone. Join the movement http://tiny.cc/louder"

bliss is being seen

another brilliant jen lemen post. check out her blog!!!

bliss is being seen

I’ve decided that one of the most powerful things that can happen to you is being seen for who you really are and loved deeply at the same time. This requires actual eye contact sometimes, but also a more subtle way of knowing. Too much closeness or familiarity with the other and you can think you have it all locked up. Utter the words, I know you. I know how you are, (add a little flavor of disdain or boredom) and you’ve all but sealed your fate of misunderstanding.

No, to know is to say yes to the not knowing.
 

To know is to say I see you–these little glimpses here and there, and they are beautiful to me, even if they are the very things that make you fragile or flawed or ridiculous or frail. Even if the rest of you escapes me and I have no words to describe.

This year on my birthday I had the blessing of feeling seen. Presents are not the thing around here–no one cares that much about the formality of that on birthdays (thank god) and we’d all just rather be together–but this year was different. Everyone brought a little something from their heart, until I had a small collection of artifacts that represented the young and tender parts of me perfectly–all from a different faction of my tribe, most of whom were present for a fine feast of chili and cornbread.

It was one of the kindest birthdays I’ve ever had.

I wish my camera was back from Nikon. I would take a picture. But here’s the list:

A red tea kettle
warm wool knee socks like the kind we wore in third grade
a thoughtful journal
boxes and boxes of tea
bars and bars of fine dark chocolate
a beautiful rust colored silk scarf
a lovely forest green pull over
a soft yummy hoodie hand carried from Bolivia
a silk sleep sack from a fellow world traveler
a book of poetry
and last but not least, a pink ukelele (i know! i’m in love!)

What I love about this list is how ordinary it is. I mean really, how many 42 year old women in America would be thrilled beyond words to receive any one of the above items? We are a predictable demographic with our propensity for fine fibers, organic anything and lovely earth bound colors. Still, not all of these leanings are celebrated. Often, they are gently mocked, and so we sometimes are ashamed to love what we love and we feel slightly foolish for the degree to which such simple things delight us.

If only I could go back to third grade and stay there. Or maybe I already have. My list then would be identical to my list now, no exceptions. With each offering was the warmth of knowing that person really sees me and knows how much I care.

I hope today that you are able to quiet the part of you that feels ridiculous for loving what you love. And I hope just one time in your life, whether you are standing in a field in a faraway country or in your very own kitchen, you have the bliss of being seen and know deep deep down that you are welcomed, that you truly belong.

Comments today are for declarations and wishes. Share what you would like to be seen about you. It can be rant-like or plaintive. Just saying so will move the furniture around in the Universe, so it can someday soon be so.

best blog i've come across in a long time

http://jenlemen.com/blog/

When You Are Seen

when you are seen…

your heart cracks open
you can hardly speak
you are overwhelmed with gratitude
and also deep love

you can breathe more deeply
you know you are not alone
you understand nothing is wasted
you can embrace your goodness

you can have hope for the future
you can feel untended grief from the past
you know you were not crazy
you can trust your heart

from an email i wrote today

I like what you said to me before. This is my entry fee of sorts into Austin. I got soooo much of what I wanted. I did it. I am where I want to be. I had a weekend even better than I imagined it would be. I have people here who care about me. I have a dog who is amazing and has adjusted to Austin and our new home beautifully. A job I like -- asking too much? No, not at all. I just didn't receive it -- YET. And that's OK. Because I rather have all of the other things.

it isn't good...

when you don't like your days and you feel you have no one to talk to. because you spend all day not having a single conversation with anyone. and then, the people you might be able to talk to later, well, you are so tired of repeating the same shit. all talk and no action is very hard to listen to. i hate it, and i'm living it. still, it's a pretty fuckin' lonely way to spend the hours.

good wed, thurs and 1/2 of friday

my boss has no managerial skills. it's weird b/c he is not an idiot but i think he lacks people skills on some fundamental level. i know he is overwhelmed by the "kids" (my coworkers in their 20s). this is the way the kids communicate: they insult each other in funny not malicious ways but it's still pretty intense. the boss sometimes tries to tell them to not used certain words but no one takes it seriously. the other thing the kids do (they're mostly boys) is talk and play videogames. this is my daily work atmosphere. flying insults (at least they make me laugh) and video games. this shit ain't right. it's no wonder that every time i try to describe where i work i'm like, it's just so... ODD.

i don't fit in in any way. i tried this past week. i got excited (always a mistake in this job) about possibilities discussed at the quarterly mtg and breakout sessions. but it's like, ok, i have ideas, i'm willing to work hard to implement them, and even if my manager recognizes these as good ideas, he does not take the steps necessary to put them into place. how frustrating. i had thought ok, i will step it up because i have to for my own sake. i told him i had ideas i wanted to implement and they were really good ones for all of us and "for the good of the company." i mentioned that once i got the systems/process down, i needed to be challenged, so it would make sense to take me up on these ideas and help me implement them. there's only so far i can go. the process and implementation has to come from him.

so in our first 1-on-1 i mention these things. he asks me first how it has been going and i say: it's been up and down but mostly up now. as a manager, wouldn't you ask WHY if i told you that my intro to the company wasn't great... and all he told me was that he liked my writing (it seemed like a hollow complement) but here's what i could do better - the creativity was cool but add some more key words in there so we come up more in google searches. write with a thought to SEO. ok, fine, sure, i can do that. but seriously, that's the FIRST thing and ONLY thing you mention about my work??? how about hey, glad you're here, glad you jumped right into it, etc.

so my emotional state went down again. it is extremely difficult to work i these conditions. i'm a person who speaks up and is willing to put in extra hours and work to make improvements, to get things going in a better way. what a fuckin' waste of me and my talents. once upon a time maybe i could just sit at a desk and do meaningless work and leave and get paid and all was well. but it's so soulless. it's not who i truly am. it's not how i WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE. i never want my job to be the thing that defines me, but it's just too many hours to feel so blah or frustrated or tired of the kids and how they relate to each other. i want to be engaged and it's impossible. there's no opportunity to do so. i talk to coworkers, i try to step it up, i tried to be in a better mood and participate more, but none of it matters. fine, screw them, how can i make this experience better for me? i don't know. because i tried the above and it worked but them the reality of this place finds a way to get in my face and poof, there goes any desire to be there. i can really help out in this place, i can really take us to a higher level, etc. but nothing ever happens. always these wishy-washy responses of oh yeah, that sounds good, we'll have to see about it... something along those lines each and every time.

you want to know what the company is busiest with? recruiting! daily interviews and calls and it's insane b/c hey you have employees here you are not hearing. oh wait, you have 1 employee who thinks this is so weird and makes no sense and doesn't fit in (which is a good thing, really) and so here's a great opportunity to help the company meet its goals. she has more knowledge and experience than her 25-yr-old team members. fuckin' use it. but no. it atrophies. poo on them. large crap on me b/c it takes all my energy to sit there, going the opposite way of progress, stifling any creativity, and listening to sad juvenile talk (never ever are there any real conversations. the most they actually "converse" about is some new video game that came out a week ago.)

hate it. love it. maybe i can deal with either. but this bipolar experience really sucks. i can decide how i want my day to go but it's like swimming against the tide. and sometimes i can flow with the tide. but more often the tide, and i never know when it will happen, hits me, hard. i never know what will happen. and at this place that is not exciting like it can and has been at other places. talk about feeling out of control.

i figured this would be a nice relaxing weekend. but more and more relaxing means "napping" for hours. so i feel unproductive, a bit pissed, and then more pissy about the fact that it's back to work time. in such a short time it's become a "hit snooze a million times" job, an "i don't like sundays

i don't know anymore. i feel defeated. and that's not how i want to spend my days. i don't want low energy, not giving a shit, not glowing, not thriving... it's NOT ME. and to sit for all those hours (literally sit for hours) unable to be ME or express myself is harmful. i do not want to get fired. i need this job.i wish they needed me back, in the way they should. i wish every day didn't feel like i am in costume. and i hate the sacrifice of a long commute (and so much having to gas up -- expensive!) for...for what? for a good job? wouldn't be that much of an issue. for bullshit? totally an issue.

i will...

have a good attitude about my job today.

Per the wisdom of Tim Gunn, "Make it work."

I think I'm pissed

OR should I just say, FUCK YOU, BATTERIES! Except that's  my rallying cry.

I am sitting outside on my porch or whatever it is. And of course i wish I actually liked it. but I do love sitting outside when the weather is cooler and things are silent. Then again, I am pissed. Because I live on the 1st floor, NOT BY CHOICE. I originally was gonna get a 2nd flr apt and then they're like, oh wait, your dog weighs  more than 50lbs, so the rule is that if pets are over 50lbs, you can only get a 1st floor apt. Which pisses me off b/c of the windows. the windows are almost ceiling to floor length, which means ain't no way I can open them at night. It's like a goddamn perfect crawl space. Tonight I was like, OK, let me give it a try. But uh-uh because (1) it's obvious anyone fits through that and I am terrified of shit like that and (2) even if i could cope with that, once i actually raised the window, the screen was dirty. Not a little dirty. Like let me throw some dirt on it dirty. My last year or months or whatever in SF were very, very difficult, to say the least. But there are a couple of things I'll always treasure. The rooftop, from where you could see the night sky. But most of all, the fact that I could sleep with the windows open. You see, I have mad love for fresh air. For air, really. Come to my apt and you'll find every ceiling fan on high, at max speed. I barely even notice it -- it's just normal to me.

I remember sleeping over someone's house once and waking up in the wee hours of the morning and seeing that the 2 windows were closed. And there was no fan. It wasn't hot in there or anything, but I still remember the feeling of suffocation that came over me. I kept thinking, I can't breathe, I can't breathe. Now here I am where I might actually get to experience fall weather except not so much. I hate it when it's warm in my apt and cooler outside -- as long as we're not talking winter.

So, that pisses me off. I want the simple pleasure of fresh air and I feel DENIED.


It is still relatively early, just past 10pm CST. It's been months and I am still not used to CST. C'mon, seriously, it's just downright odd. It throws off my internal clock, maybe because that clock seems so tied into my TV schedule. But "having" to be done with everything and in front of the TV by 7pm is insane. I mean, I can't watch everything in DVR! Let's just say that irks me. We'll leave "pisses me off" for the more "important" things.

Have I not mentioned to everyone I know (almost) that I loathe my job? And I am pissed about that. I am grateful to be employed, of course, no doubt, and I DO NOT want that to change. But shit, it feels so soul-less where I am. i can't be me. I work with these kids in their 20s and, as I have told several people, they are just so passionless that I fear for the future of humankind. I keep thinking of my last job. I had coworkers and acquaintances there, but I also had friends. And no matter what level I knew you on, we had ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS. I liked the movie "Superbad" and I like immature films people my age aren't supposed to like and I enjoy all that stupid humor, but not in person. Because I am not 24. Because I relate on a  different level. Because I have no desire to get to know any of these people better, if that were even possible. I am such the anomaly, that all I can do is embrace that status. If I was more motivated, I could be the weirdo. I mean, in a way I already am. I am the Sesame Street example of "one of these things is not like the other." When my coworker (the one that pseudo trains me b/c I have to ask her shit b/c no one is officially assigned to train me, seriously, wtf?) was born, I was bitchy and depressed and suicidal and in love with George Michael. Now I try to not be bitchy, I try to keep depression at bay, maybe for once I am not suicidal, and I still love George Michael. (I must take this time to wish him well. We are all with you, George, and you will get through this. You do not belong in prison, and all of your fans know this. We have never forsaken you, for over 25 years, and you know you have the most loyal of fans who will never desert you.) Ha, how would I ever explain to any of my coworkers that George Michael saved my life? Not that I would want to. Not that they know who he is (and I like it that way). But when I was14 there were no cell phones or internet. There was me, in my room, alone, sad, and a voice that came through my record player (vinyl) or radio and gave me hope.

My workplace is so quiet it is unnerving. Sure, the kids talk to each other and stuff, but mostly it's a sea of headphones and cell phones on vibrate. The "real" phones do not ring. The only time I have used my work phone was to set up my voicemail, which was a totally unnecessary thing to do, as I have found out. I am used to coworkers taking a break to talk to their spouses, children, boyfriends, girlfriends, friends, parents... Because that is NORMAL. All you hear at this place, if anything at all, is a slight buzz that indicates that someone is receiving a call or a text. I used to keep my cell phone in my handbag during the workday and never paid much attn to it. Now I keep it near me because it feels like my only connection to the outside world.

And here's another pissy thing. I feel bad. I actually FEEL BAD about not liking my job. So many people would kill for a job. So many people would kill for a job that seems so meaningless and monotonous and yet you get paid (decently) for this shit. I've said it before, though, it's like I am in a state of atrophy -- my eyes from staring at the 2 monitors, or my body from sitting at a desk all day without any walking over to someone else's desk to chat or something like is NORMAL. or my brain from the mindless numbness of it all. But can't I persevere? Can't I make it better? I mean, it seems like I make it sound worse than it is. Or do I? I dunno anymore. All I know is that I am sitting here not wanting to go to bed because the sooner I fall asleep the sooner it will be morning... And that is always a bad sign. Not wanting to go to bed the night before because you don't want to go to work the next morning.

Everything feels hazy, and I REALLY HATE THAT which means THAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF. Are you serious that I'm supposed to STILL be job hunting? Yes, with the security of employment, but that doesn't mean the opportunities are there. I've re-subscribed to the lists and all that. There's not much out there. Do I expect too much by wanting to be relatively happy at my place of employment? HELL TO THE NO. Because for me. that is a crucial factor. I keep saying, I made the choice, the very clear choice, at one point in my life to not be the person who spends 8 or 9 or 10 hours a day miserable, watching the clock, etc. That's just waaaayyy too many hours to spend in that state. I'm still in the process (and always will be) of rediscovering me after going thru (almost) hell and back. I refuse to sacrifice that -- what I have learned, where I am going and growing as a person... But... But... And there it is. Shouldn't I just do my job? Shouldn't I just do other things to try and fulfill my life instead? There's nothing wrong with that sentence except the "instead" part. Because that's not how I want to live my life.

At one point, I miraculously realized that I wanted to live. Not just that "I don't want to die," but that more so, I actually want to live. I don't know if I've ever fully felt that before. And don't want to give that up. I already had to convince me, who has been half in love with suicide with most of her life, that wanting to live is OK. I ain't giving that up now. What I mean is, there is no "life" where I work. I sit there. I surf the Interwebnets as part of my job. I write stupid blurbs. I post these things online. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. There is no creativity or sense of accomplishment or anything fulfilling in any way whatsoever about what I do. Don't tell me to find that one fulfilling thing b/c I swear to god it is not there.

So tonight I am pissed. I am pissed because i am confused and tired and scared and frustrated and fed up. I am pissed because at one moment tonight I just wanted to cry. And (1) I COULDN'T which really pisses me off and then (2) I SHOULDN'T because omg in the big picture this is so not that bad.

I am pissed. I am pissed that I am pissed. I feel guilty. I feel stupid. I feel like I am being ungrateful. I feel the judgment of sure, there i go again, nothing is ever enough or good enough. I am pissed because I don't know what to do. I am pissed b/c once again it feels like this uphill battle, and here's where the pity comes in, the sadness that one again it is all on me, i am alone, i have to struggle and do it myself on my own as always. and fuck it, i hate the pity.

Fuck You, Batteries. I want things to change for the better. I want my robe and furry slippers and a trip around the corner to the market to make things better my making them (literally) clearer. I want hope and music and love.

And there I leave it... because to go further is to sound like a total idiot loser girl. And I'm not really in the mood for that. There's plenty of time for that come tomorrow morning (haha).

i am pissed. i am uncomfortable. i know that the place of discomfort is the place of growth, i get that. that's ok and can be exhilarating at times. but i hate hazy and i hate not being secure (and yes, no one's ever secure, whatever). but i at least want solid ground under my feet. i don't feel strong or vibrant or motivated or smart or clear enough to think. yes, i know, "feel" my way out of this, into this, etc.... but i want the paycheck survival part to be settled. and good. not to still be iffy. i don't want this to consume my life. and for all it might teach me, it's vary hard for me to not feel like i am on shaky ground, and at that place i am not so much into finding the delightful introspection and fabulous journey as i am keen on: wtf, i need some security, like now.

it's now closer to 11. just writing stream of consciousness as always. still delaying the work morning. thinking wouldn't it be better to stay up most of the night and catch up on shows or reading or something? shouldn't i stay up and watch Craig? well yes, of course to that part, but the anxiety of the looming morning hangs in the atmosphere even as I watch my gorgeous Scotsman make dirty jokes.

2 weeks (less) until ACL. i can't wait for the escape of it, the going home of it. and yet i wonder, who is it that is going there? me? what me? again, all is cloudy. i hate hazy. i hate stuck. no wonder i (think) i'm pissed.

anyway, i gotta pee now.

You are the owner of all that you perceive...

...But you can't perceive apart from your vibration.

Feel your way, little-by-little, into a greater sense of abundance

by looking for the treasures that the Universe is offering you

on a day-to-day basis.

This so does not feel under my control. I spent the morning saying it would be a good day. I wrote it on my chalkboard at home. I wrote in my gratitude journal (still going strong) that I was grateful I had a job to go to.

This is so fuckin' schizophrenic. One day I like it here, one day I'm meh/sorta like it, and some days I'm like goddammit get me the fuck out of here. Today is one of the goddammit days. The kind of day where I become a clock watcher, which I haven't had to do in a while. Seriously, wtf?

I have to make this better. It IS up to me, right? But this is such a waste of any talent I might possess. I'm not even a writer here. I write very little copy and I can just really grab shit off the interwebs and edit it a bit and voila, copy without any input of my own. But oh, why not put in your input anyway? I do. But then it takes longer. And my numbers aren't as good. WTF, I HAVE NUMBERS?

I need this paycheck. I need stable employment. But I feel so alone here 90% of the time. I'm like, what am I doing? Seriously, what the fuck am I doing with my entire day? Web surfing and what amounts to data entry? S sent me a card that said I'd get writing experience and a paycheck to buy tickets to go to shows. Half of that is correct. Friends visit the site and look at the blog posts and people immediately think that's what I write. Nooo, that's what I should be doing -- writing. I no longer have a business card that says Writer. It actually says Deals Coordinator. Sounds like a car salesman type gig. Ugh.

Shit. Shit. Shit. The editor job at UT was canceled. This cool Editor job at St. Ed's is just now reviewing applications -- but it has the title, role, etc., that I should have. So how did I end up here? I do not want to switch jobs, even if the opportunity should present itself. I'm pretty sure I'll make less money elsewhere, for starters. And also, I keep looking at this job and questioning the Universe -- surely there is a reason you brought me here. So I can focus more on my life than my job is the 1 I have come up with. But that's really hard to do as my brain atrophies and there is no creativity to my day.  

I found this the other day: 

The feeling of boredom is often misunderstood and can actually mean we need to look under the layers for change.

OK, I'll look. I need change in my "real life," and I am AWARE of that. Yet, it's incredibly difficult when I spend my days so undernourished. Is that an excuse? Whatevs. Still doesn't change the day-to-day crappy feeling that looms over me when I am here. 

HOW THE FUCK DID THIS HAPPEN?

When we are uncomfortable, it is good in a way because it's a way the body tells us we need change; alerts us that something ain't right and it's time to do something about it. So, what do I need to change? It seems I need to change things that are not related to me in this desk with my 2 monitors, my bloodshot eyes, and a chair that I wish went higher. The cloudiness of the workday gets in the way. And I feel like I wasted my unemployment time soooo much. But that's how I roll. Couldn't do it then; regret now! :)

I am at a loss. It took me such a long time to come to terms with the fact that I AM a writer and a really talented one at that. But here I am not a writer. And that hurts. I swore I would never lose that part of me again. And I swore I would continue to do it professionally, late as I may be to the game, because I owe it to myself.

So again, how and WHY did I end up here?

It is what it is. What is it?

I poured it out in email and text.from both, this is what i wrote.  Sending it out there via email, FB mssgs and blog post. Seeing so many layers in the words. the email that got me writing this evening asked me Where are you? I see it's actually a deeper question in there for me. This is where I am.

I'm bored and I'm tired. I sit all day in front of 2 monitors while my eyes get red. I feel myself aging as I sit there. I told my friend that if she's in HSN hell, then I'm in purgatory. I spend all day on the internet and I miss My Own internet time of blogs and friends and inspiration and creativity.

I don't want a new job. I'd just really wish to like this one. I don't get these people. It's feeling too monotonous and lonely. There's fun humor but no real conversation. I feel old and alone and my eyes get really red and I can't see and it's so uncomfortable. My makeup fades quickly and I can feel that I look tired and grey instead of bright and smiling. I must look like 100 yrs old at times. I feel like 100 several times a day.

Monotony and boredom suck the life outta me. Not cool.

I feel so "busy with nothing." Maybe I have wandered into an existential or absurdist play b/c nothing feels authentic. (read that both ways. that there is no thing that feels real. and that the nothingness is the only thing that is.)                                     

I'm OK, but I can't lose myself (My Self) to a desk job that makes me feel blah. I hate just working for a paycheck. Sure, at some point it can get better, but I am seriously in a strange haze, out of touch with everyone, everything, and myself.

It's interesting that as I was writing I discovered I miss authenticity and "life" most of all. I like them, but not a one of my coworkers would have any idea what I mean.

On my FB status I asked, What am I missing? Meaning what am I not getting? And I meant it initially as  "ok, I literally don't understand this place" statement. But looking at the word "missing" and then having the words "not getting" follow that, then I see the other level. Something IS missing. There's something I'M not getting.

It's an opportunity to learn more about mySelf and what's important to me deep down. Why am I feeling what I'm feeling? It's a question to sit with, to live in, for now.

As always... who knows...

(but I do wish I felt physically better. at least my eyes.)

Where'd That Come From?

Damn. That just hit me. Hard. A bizarre, powerful moment of suddenly missing him.

I fucking hate time warner cable

net down for a while. cable down for a lot longer. AGAIN. in the little over 2 months i've had TWC: i have to reboot the damn cable box up to 4x a week. i have never had so many cable problems. i have had to fix my own internet issue and router issue, even though i later found it to be a known, common problem. i have had to reconnect the cables from what the installer did b/c with his system, all the hd channels were wonky. so i moved everything to how i had it before with last cable company and voila, service. intermittent service, of course. sometimes you get a "channel not available at this time" for no reason. sometimes the box reboots itself.

best thing about today's service outages? when you called their phone number IT WAS BUSY. when i finally got through on the 15th(?) attempt and went through all the automated shit, i finally got a message saying that all south austin customers were experiencing a loss of all services.

but hey, at least they "apologize for the inconvenience." worst. cable. company. ever.

Living in the Questions

this is a definite must-read from "When I Grow Up - The Blog"

When my clients put on the pressure to find the answer, I ask them to live in the questions.” Here's what that means & why I haven't been slapped yet.

http://whenigrowupcoach.com/blog/2010/09/02/living-in-the-questions/

 

Embracing Womanhood and Sisterhood

from the DailyOm

Woman
 

Embracing Womanhood
 
When one woman honors who she is, all women collectively move closer to becoming what they are capable of being.

There are many ways and myriad reasons for women to honor and embrace all that they are. And when any individual woman chooses to do so, all women collectively move closer to becoming what they are truly capable of being. By honoring her experience and being willing to share it with others—both male and female—she teaches as she learns. When she can trust herself and her inner voice, she teaches those around her to trust her as well. Clasping hands with family members and friends, coworkers and strangers in a shared walk through the journey of life, she allows all to see the self-respect she possesses and accepts their respect, too, that is offered through look, word, and deed.

When a woman can look back into her past, doing so without regret and instead seeing only lessons that brought her to her current strength and wisdom, she embraces the fullness of her experience. She helps those around her to build upon the past as she does. And when she chooses to create her desires, she places her power in the present and moves forward with life into the future.

Seeing her own divinity, a woman learns to recognize the divinity in all women. She then can see her body as a temple, appreciating its feminine form and function, regardless of what age or stage of life she finds herself. She can enjoy all that it brings to her experience and appreciate other women and their experiences as well. Rather than seeing other women as competition, she can look around her to see the cycle of life reflected in the beauty of her sisters, reminding her of her own radiance should she ever forget. She can then celebrate all the many aspects that make her a being worthy of praise, dancing to express the physical, speaking proudly to express her intellect, sharing her emotions, and leading the way with her spiritual guidance. Embracing her womanhood, she reveals the facets that allow her to shine with the beauty and strength of a diamond to illuminate her world. 

© 2004-2010 DailyOM

In case no one knows, I am a huge fan of this guy

here's how he closed a gig back in spring.

oops i did it again


Craig Ferguson - march 15 2010 - closing bit from soitisgirl on Vimeo.

waiting...

waiting. waiting. waiting. waiting... so, do i have the job? what are the details? what's the offer? waiting. waiting. waiting. should know by today, i think.

in the meantime...

* lovely swim time for Belle on Wed + delicious tacos from a taco trailer for me! omg, soooo good

* a pretty awesome Tuesday with Shady Grove margaritas with Melita, around 3, then Tpop time and music class - I needed a good day like that!

* a fairly lazy wednesday... hearing from friends and updating my cell phone plan yet again since i went over my 1000 minutes last month and believe me, overages cost a lot! must get home phone soon.

* actually reading again. finished a whole book and started reading a novel. this is a big deal. also, if i get my job with my unpredictable commute - audio books from Audible!

* saw the Eddie Izzard documentary "Believe." Brilliant. I adore him. And there's a picture of him with Russel Brand from the film's premiere and omg how i wish i had been there just to see that.

* Amazing opening number at the Emmys. I love that they included Hurley.

* CraigyFerg back from vacation. Tan and looking good!

* My dog actually took care of me on the recent bad days when I got so depressed.

* The new TV season starts this month. Finally!!! CST, though, makes it weird.

* Wondering how my work hours will affect my personal life -- tv, music class, etc

* Will I ever make it to a hypnotherapist? I need a salary for that! While I make it back to Kim therapy anytime soon????? I really want to. I hate financial woes.

And today... waiting, waiting, waiting... I wish I knew exactly WHEN i will find out. Everything's in place, but there is 1 thing that might bite me in the ass. Plus, nothing's ever sure until it is absolutely sure. Where's my call? Will it be good news? Will I get a good offer on salary? I did everything I could; it's out of my hands now so all there is left is to wait.

Ugh, all this waiting, waiting, waiting... my stress and anxiety levels are way  too high. Difficult time falling asleep at night, so I am sleepy now. Should I sleep now and wait to be awakened by the phone? Makes me way too nervous.

I should pick up the novel I am reading. Or select and sort the materials I want to use on a collage project I have been wanting to make for A Very Long Time Now but i never start and just end up organizing the bazillion craft supplies i have. Or watch the 1st season of Mad Men to find out what all the fuss is about while i enjoy the show's wardrobe.

i feel glued to my chair, unable to relax, and my phone is practically glued to me. for the waiting. waiting, waiting, waiting...

FACT

Going for a long walk with your dog makes everything better.

So, What Happened? (shrug) I dunno (end shrug)

Tuesday interview + test. Thursday interview with 2 VPs and the CEO = 3 very intense hours. Not typical interviews. Stuff I really had to think about, sample scenarios of what decisions I would make if I had the job, it was almost like an oral test for school. I liked that they asked real questions, but man, it really was intense. I'm like, can I get paid now for the work I've already done? And now the wait. But I was so tired, no, exhausted, really, after all of this that I got more numb than anything, and my main feeling became "I don't care." After Tuesday I was really excited and thought ok, interviewing done. Then, no, interviewing not done. Then totally evaluating me for 3 hours, lots of "what would you do if" questions. I did fine. Better than fine. But somehow I left feeling "I just don't know." Usually, after all that, I would think, yep, got the job. But this is a smaller company and there are so many factors involved, from am i qualified to how well for i fit in the company... Again, I don't know. I've just never put in so much in the interview stage. Yeah, I can do it. And yeah, I did it, and well. But I guess part of me's like, ok, what else do you want...

Which brings me to where I am now. There's nothing else I can do. I've done everything I can and that's that. So now I just wait. And there's a relief that it is out of my hands. And while the most dangerous condition for me to be in, in general, is "numb," at this point it's all I can do. I can't invest any more emotions. It can go either way. It's Friday. I think, well, maybe they don't want to ruin my weekend. Or they'll wait till EOD. Or Monday. They said they'd make the decision quickly. They must like me to invest so much time in me already. But that doesn't automatically = job. I guess that's weird to me b/c in every other job situation in my life, if they like me AND i do well and not mess up, i think, yep, i got it, and i do. How weird to be in this nebulous position.

I guess it matches everything else these days. Correlates to the rest of my life. Or affects it. Whatever is "on hold" has pretty much everything to do with employment. Things I want to do are on hold because of money. And that's not a bad lesson, of course. But I don't do well living in the unknown. I like some structure. I have become OK with not knowing everything that's coming around the corner, and at times I have even liked that. Even during this job process I think, well, you never know where the universe will take you. That's all well and good, except for this: rent. electricity. bills. That all requires money. Meaning I need a paycheck.

Last week a young teen girl hit my car. Not big damage done -- it's one of the reasons I wanted an SUV. She's 16, only had car for 3 weeks, Dad concerned about insurance rates, no one's physically hurt, etc., so he offers me $200. I take $200. My car stays scratched, but looks like I can pay for electricity. So here I am happy that someone hit my car. I don't like that. I don't like thinking that. And I don't like the truth of it -- car accident means I get to keep the lights on.

So here's another 24 hours period where I feel like shit. Yesterday I even got physically ill. And what do I want to do when I feel like this? Eat and Shop. Shop and Eat. And Eat some more. These months coulda been an awesome opportunity to get healthy, lose "the FL" on me (most of the weight). I cannot describe how much I need to do that, for so many reasons it is crucial that I lose weight. But I'm a food addict. And addicts don't handle stress well without their fixes. At least when I went to Krispy Kreme this time, I finally got there when the red sign was on, which means my doughnuts were wonderfully warm.

And so I sit. And wait. And worry. And try to get rid of that other emotion that comes up and the corresponding urge that pops up when I feel crappy (there's one more thing that I think of besides food and shopping; thankfully it[he] is not readily accessible and I know that it is most definitely not the way [person] for me to turn). Funny how some things just get a hold on you no matter how much time passes.

I sit. I wait. I buy a concert ticket (last "extra" I can afford, sorta [maybe?] until I get a paycheck) because shows make me happy and I like looking forward to them. I nap a lot. (Hey, it's free.) I enjoy kisses from my pup. And I wait.

Look Here's Where I Write! Like, Sometimes or Whatever.

On a less regular basis than I first imagined.

Awesome phone interview on Thursday. Proud of how I did. REALLY proud that I sit in the very middle of a Borders cafe, on my cell phone, laptop open to company's site...that's something I wouldn't have been able to do before. I was not self conscious in the least. I felt energized, actually. And then I stayed at Borders for hours.

When missing books, I felt it good to be surrounded by them. At a bookstore where I always feel comfortable. More so than B&N. And definitely more so than the library. I went and got my card and most of the books I looked up where not just unavailable at that branch, but the message I got was "no copies available at any location." This is Austin, TX, people. I suppose we're a book buying town? Our bookstores do have good traffic...

Have come across awesome quotes recently. Feeling lazy to share anything at the moment. Maybe after the interview (before they call me back for round 3, or just be so impressed that they hire me outright) I can get back into another mindset. It was weird because at Borders I flipped through an amazing book about collage making and I got so inspired to start my art. I have the ideas and I know I have the talent. And duh, I have the time. I also have the excuses and something that gets in the way of taking that leap. Weird.

This weekend I made sofa cushions (yellow!). And tried not to get the NYT but by 2pm I was dying and had to have a copy. I read design and creative craft blogs. I watched shows on HGTV. This is not me growing old. I have loved such things or variations of them for over 20 years.

Interview on my mind today. Gonna prep later when I'm more focused. Or later in the evening so it's fresher in my mind for tomorrow. I do well on interviews because of the work I do beforehand. I gotta walk in there confident. And smile a lot. That helps, too.

Job Interview Tomorrow

1. Prep today.
2. Light candle, put it out there in the universe, pray.
3. Know directions perfectly.
4. Get to area early and find coffee shop.
5. Have latte, read more, get in the groove
6. Go to interview.
7. Wow 'em.

Oh, and this was cool to read today, from The Daily Om:

Passion-Fueled Work
Taurus Daily Horoscope
You might be resourceful at work today, which could make you feel competent and good about your talents. Perhaps because you are using your gifts to their fullest, you may find that whatever you set your mind to can easily be achieved. If you can align your skills with the tasks you have to do, you could notice that not only will you get everything done, but you will also realize your true potential. Today you might try to ask yourself how you can alter the nature of your work so as to completely use your talents, which are often things you have a passion for. Thinking about what you enjoy doing passionately, for example, can help you find a way to infuse your work with the same enthusiasm and make everything you do successful.

Letting the things we delight in infiltrate into our working life allows us to use the blessings the universe has bestowed upon us to their fullest. Work, for many of us, might be something that we keep separate from our passions in order to make a living. The things that feed our spirit, however, are often the things that we are best at, and using these gifts in their totality will make our work better as well as give us greater confidence with each thing we accomplish. By fueling your work with your passion today, you will honor the myriad gifts that you have to offer others.

Hey Self, Listen to This (you too, ladies)

When you ask, it is given, every single time, no exceptions. You are beloved, blessed Beings who deserve good things—but it takes a self-convincing before you will allow good things.

Times When Not to Google People and Times When You Have to Tell the Batteries Eff You

"Each and every component that makes up your life experience is drawn to you by the powerful Law of Attraction's response to the thoughts you think and the story you tell about your life. Your money and financial assets; your body's state of wellness, clarity, flexibility, size, and shape; your work environment, how you are treated, work satisfaction, and rewards—indeed, the very happiness of your life experience in general—is all happening because of the story that you tell." 

Uh-oh. Uh-oh because the story today is about my stupid action. I looked up the person who has the job I want. Y'all, if you want to feel unaccomplished and insecure, I can pass on her info. Here I am thinking I am so qualified and perfect for this job and then I see the qualifications of the current Editor. I am a writer and editor, and a damn good one. I can and will get the job done, on time, and am very open to learning. My damn work ethic even had me putting in so many extra hours at HSN, just because I wanted my work to be good. I love learning and this new job is an opportunity for me to both use my talent and grow in this position -- so many interesting things to learn. And without learning, I get bored.

Anyway, this chic has years upon years (upon even more years) of scientific writing, medical writing, specific academic grant writing, and scientific publications and presentations. Oh, and she has a PhD in Biology. Now, her qualifications are way above and beyond what the job description lists as requirements, so that gives me some hope. Except I can't help but think of them comparing current editor to possible new ones -- how could they not? Result: I don't feel as good as I did before my stupid investigative actions. I want this job. I need this job. This is, of anything out there, the one that immediately spoke to me (in regular English, not scientific speak!). And I love the possibility of working at the university again.

But how can my mind not go to comparing our profiles and resumes side by side and them thinking, um, where is our scientific specialist candidate? Sure, this gal (me) can do marketing, has UT experience, has worked on funding proposals, has academic publications, has her MA degree...etc. Yet, I am not a medical expert and my background is not scientific. (now would I want it to be) I think this can help in the sense that what I bring to this role is excellent writing skills, editing, coordinating those grants, etc. from the role of someone who will market the research proposals and make them stand out. I can make things sound good. (HSN taught me that! Seriously, some of the things I had to write...sigh)

What to do? What can any of us do when we reach such a point? Trust. I tried praying using that word this morning and it was so hard for me to believe it. I guess this is a main reason I write -- the more words I type here the more I feel that trust. Trust that this is MY job. Moreover, trust that the right job will come and is mine, and I hope with all my being that it is this particular one. Trust in the connection I felt when I saw this job posting. Trust that whatever happens is for the best. 

Whether you believe in God, pray in Jesus' name, or send your thoughts to the Universe -- it's all positive energy being sent out there. In all those varieties, I have lots of people supporting me and believing in me.What does it take for me to do the same for myself? Not an easy lesson for any of us. It's so much easier to knock ourselves down than lift ourselves up. I've worked too hard to be in that place, though. As I sat across from Kim in June and said it, I gotta say it again: Gisele is employable.

One of my favorite lines in my fave movie "Once" is when Marketa is using the cd player and the batteries die. And she says to them "Fuck you, batteries." And then she searches for new ones and ends up taking change out of a piggy bank and walking to the store in her bunny slippers. She gets her batteries, she gets the player to work, and on the walk back home she sings a song she wrote. At that moment, that is the story she tells. So, fuck you batteries (negative thoughts that try to swarm into my brain while wearing graduation caps from their biology PhD ceremonies). I choose to tell a different story.

(Still, y'all, google with caution.)